


The Homestuck Epilogues: A Proper Meal (or At Least a Hot Pocket or Some Pop-Tarts)

by buttmaster



Series: The Homestuck Epilogues: APM(oALaHPoSPT) [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anime References, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cheating, Everyone Needs Therapy, Head Injury, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Mutual Pining, My Little Pony Spoilers, Not Epilogue Compliant, Pronoun joke, Puella Magi Madoka Magica Spoilers, Stabbing, The Homestuck Epilogues, Time Travel, Trauma, Trigger Warning joke, Trying to fix things, Yiffy is real, attempted possession, too much meta
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: Anyway, fr33ze frame. Yeah, that's me, Davepeta. I bet you're wondering how I got in this situation. The situation where I'm traveling through a black hole, riding Lord English like a buckin' bronco, yee-hawing it up? No. That's obvious. You should know that already.Yes, I know. I shouldn't be addressing the audience. It's fine. I'll stop soon, purromise. I'm obliterating all the rules.Anyway. What I meant by this 'situation' is narration. How did I get the narrative? Surprise, I'm my ultimate self. It was super easy what with being part Time and part Heart, plus being a sprite squared. I don't want to be an asshole and make a big deal out of it or anything though.Don't worry, this isn't just going to be me talking about how cool I am while traveling through a spacetime tunnel. I swear. So yeah. Long story short…The vibes I'm picking up from the timelines are beyond shitty, and the Heart player in me wants to turn some furrowns upside down. Hopefully, I succeed.
Relationships: Calliope/Roxy Lalonde, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Dave Strider, Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor & Aradia Megido
Series: The Homestuck Epilogues: APM(oALaHPoSPT) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809181
Comments: 120
Kudos: 114





	1. A Brief Introduction Before Things Hapen

**Author's Note:**

> Trying something different from my usual types of works. The first chapter is really short but the others won't be. Also most of the chapters begin with a chunk of writing from the Homestuck Epilogues.

And there they go. The noble dipshit saves the day, hurtling into a black hole with the final boss, but not before he wrecks basically everyone else's shit. It's almost poetic, the way they get sucked in like that, making the ultimate sacrifice. Like a plastic bag in the wind. Like that feather from Forrest Gump. Like, yes, a fucking piece of garbage. Though none of those things sacrificed themselves, really. They were all just things. Whereas the main character here? A cool and hot and confident amalgam of two of the most disrespected characters in canon.

Okay. That's probably not true. Nepeta definitely got the short end of the stick. Like. There's no questioning that. But Davesprite? He was probably treated better than the fish girl. The nice one. Feferi? Or me-wow, the Beforus trolls? Especially Damara. Talk about deserving better.

But yeah. Wow. I'm rambling. Big surprise there. And now I've switched to first purrson. Breaking the number one rule there. Anyway, fr33ze frame. Yeah, that's me, Davepeta. I bet you're wondering how I got in this situation. The situation where I'm traveling through a black hole, riding Lord English like a buckin' bronco, y33-hawing it up? No. That's obvious. You should know that already.

Yes, I know. I shouldn't be addressing the audience. It's fine. I'll stop soon, purromise. I'm obliterating all the rules. 

Anyway. What I meant by this 'situation' is narration. How did I get the narrative? Surprise, I'm my ultimate self. It was super easy what with being part Time and part Heart, plus being a sprite squared. I don't want to be an asshole and make a big deal out of it or anything though.

Plus, who else is going to narrate? Lord English? Do you want to read that? Guy is like a 12-year-old with anger issues. Here. Go on YouTube, find a video of a kid getting his ass kicked in Call of Duty, find the loudest, most slur-filled tantrum. Now pitch shift it down until the voice would sound appurrpriate coming out of an immewrtal skull fucker. That's it. That's the Lord English narrative.

So, you get me. You're welcome! Don't worry, this isn't just going to be me talking about how cool I am while traveling through a spacetime tunnel. I swear. Okay, I'm going to get on with it because my anxiety is spiking from all this fourth wall breaking. And this tell-don't-show storytelling. So yeah. Long story short…

The vibes I'm picking up from the timelines are beyond shitty, Alas Poor Yorick here is aimed at the exit, and the Heart player in me wants to turn some furrowns upside down, since I can definitely do that (again, not to brag). So, I'm about to peace out of here and go timeline hop around this semi-non-canon whatever it is and change things. Because I can. Time unfr33ze. Thank goodness. I'm sorry.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < caw caw meowtherfucker!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < id stay and chat  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < (human french for cat)  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you have a lunch date coming up and i dont want to intrude

(God, that name is a meowthful.) Davepeta tears their claws out from Lord English and holds a thumb up, eyeing the far-off end of the tunnel, pretending to do some trajectory math before flapping their wings, planting both feet on the reality-rending jolly green dipshit, and ollieing out of that whole situation.

DAVEPETA: B33 < peace out asshole!

A tunnel of spacetime opens up within the spacetime tunnel, green and orange, and Davepeta zaps through, in the mood for a bit of Candy.


	2. Davepeta is Suspicious of the President, and Dave Clearly Has Some Stuff He Needs to Work Through

DAVE: yes  
DAVE: absolutely  
DAVE: i have never been more ready for anything in my life mr president

The air crackles and flashes orange and green before a hole opens up. Davepetasprite lands with the grace of a cat and the anger of a pissed off cat.

DAVEPETA: B33 < are you fricking kitten me right now??

They nudge Dave away from Obama's hologram hand by batting at him with both hands.

DAVE: hey what the fuck

Dave Strider moves toward Obama again and gets a face full of orange and green hand.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah dude hey what the fuck!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < big hey what the fuck energy going on!!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like are you delusional or just like

Obama reaches for Dave once more, this time with a bit more urgency.

OBAMA: Excuse me, but Mr. Strider and I were in the middle of something important.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey so mr president could you maybe sit down and shut up  
DAVEPETA: B33 < maybe go drone strike a brain ghost wedding  
DAVEPETA: B33 < maybe fail to fill a seat in the brain ghost supreme court

DAVE: what the hell do you know who that is you cant just  
DAVE: oh my god i need to sit  
DAVE: davepeta what

OBAMA: Dave, it's okay. In life, you encounter challenges. And honestly, some challenging people. Challenging people with challenging ideas.  
OBAMA: And what do we do when we face challenges?

DAVEPETA: B33 < hisssssss!!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < okay maybe that was out of line  
DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah that felt weird  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and bad  
DAVEPETA: B33 < lets pretend the hiss didnt happen but fur real dave what ray romano late 90s ass sitcom shit is this?

Dave is sitting on the floor, head in hands, mumbling to himself.

DAVE: oh my god im meeting obama  
DAVE: and its getting ruined by my goddamn alt self cat troll bird double sprite  
DAVE: day in the life of dave strider just normal shit right here  
DAVE: didnt even get to talk about the econowait hold up

His head snaps upward to look at Davepeta.

DAVE: ray romano

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah dude ray goddamn romano  
DAVEPETA: B33 < all out here like everybody loves strider

They then proceed to do the worst impression of Ray Romano ever. Someone only 25% aware of who that even is, with a Texas accent, impersonating someone from a show said 25% hadn't seen in years.

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh nooo my wife wants me to communicate  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and be honest with my emotions  
DAVEPETA: B33 < debraaaa shit i mean jaaaade  
DAVEPETA: B33 < rather than have a difficult conversation ill let ghost obama fingerblast my consciousness into a robot

DAVE: i dont think theyd say fingerblast on everybody loves raymond

The impression drops.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah pawbviously

DAVE: it really ruins the immersion of the joke is all im saying  
DAVE: maybe go workshop your material while i get back to what i was doing

DAVEPETA: B33 < *the super cool jungle cat sizes dave up and lets their claws out with a snikt*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < okay shush this is serious  
DAVEPETA: B33 < do you actually think this is 44th president of the mewnited states of ameowrica barack hussein obama?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like is that a thing that you would consider true?

OBAMA: You know, Mr. Strider and I were just talking about the nature of truth and identity and what it means to be real. If you would like to continue that discussion--

DAVEPETA: B33 < fur real can you go get in a feud with kanyes brain ghost  
DAVEPETA: B33 < can i maybe get a single thought out without being interrupted  
DAVEPETA: B33 < or are you getting nervous  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dave you know this is dirks doing right  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *their kitty nose does some big sniffs and then they sn33ze and look disgusted like a cat that smelled a banyanya*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you just happen to stumble across obama who just happens to know all about you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and knows dirk who by the way is so cool and smart and pawesome and also they boned  
DAVEPETA: B33 < because time shenanigans  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but any info about what obama did in the game or how he died is all classified imagine that how convenient!!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you dont s33 that this was all engin33red by dirk to do his dumbshit light yagami wile e coyote you activated my trap cawrd anime yugioh nonsense

DAVE: uh dirks dead

DAVEPETA: B33 < is he though???  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean even brain ghost hologram obama here  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and big fingerquotes around obama  
DAVEPETA: B33 < said what happened to who is unknowable  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and even if he is thats just this timeline and in another he did some gaslighting kidnapping ultimate self dipshittery with rose  
DAVEPETA: B33 < who is also a fucking robot now by the way and somewhere in alternate space dirks in a spaceship and wearing a cape like a jackass!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and do you really think master splinter himself didnt set up a contingency plan on the event of his death?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < theres probably a robodirk somewhere or like a fucking ai currently in the process of tricking you into leaving your corpawreal form like a chump  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *they subtly and not at all suspurrciously look over at fingerquotes obama end fingerquotes sorry pawquotes or maybe beanquotes*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < since dude sure loves making robots and ais and responders and brain ghosts like oh my god  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you that n33dy for parental appurroval that you just are ready to suicide by robot body to make papa obama happy  
DAVEPETA: B33 < look dave im a sprite squared  
DAVEPETA: B33 < a guide  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and a hero of time and heart  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and i can tell you how many similar timelines exist where you call ghostbama here dad and guess what  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the number is nonzero

DAVE: fuck

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah dude fuck  
DAVEPETA: B33 < your embarrassment is pawlpable and i f33l like shit for telling you but youre being so messed up right now  
DAVEPETA: B33 < so how about we get out of this dirk strider meowchiavellian mindgame fancy jigsaw puppet basement and you find your wife and you figure out if you want to stay with her or leave her and for the love of human christ see a therapist  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and maybe you do want to leave her and yeah thats gonna suck for her but if you f33l so trapped in a loveless meowrraige that youd sooner fake your own death than confront your f33lines than you should end it so she can move on with her life and you can probably what  
DAVEPETA: B33 < try and reconcile with karkitty probably  
DAVEPETA: B33 < yikes can we pretend i didnt say karkitty too  
DAVEPETA: B33 < actually no thats pretty funny ill cop to that

DAVE: shit uh yeah okay  
DAVE: since you are such a know it all is jade gonna be okay if i do that

Davepeta does some sparkly little finger wiggles.

DAVEPETA: B33 < infinite pawsibilities dave!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but yeah if youre just honest with her there are more okay jades than not okay jades

OBAMA: Now, look here. This is about purpose. About rising up to meet the call!

Dave rises up, dusting off his pants. He looks to Obama with a sort of sad smile, the curtain being pulled open on this whole operation.

DAVE: look mr president  
DAVE: i dont know if youre really him or if you are just some bullshit construct whipped up by a version of dirk whos gone full just according to keikaku asshole

DAVEPETA: B33 < keikaku means plan

DAVE: but mr audacity of hope himself telling me to erase my life and shinji my ass into the robot is striking me as pretty trash garbage  
DAVE: so yeah  
DAVE: im out dude  
DAVE: uh mr president

He gives a lazy salute and begins walking back the way he came.

DAVEPETA: B33 < ok cool so were good here then  
DAVEPETA: B33 < ill walk you out and then i gotta  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *the mighty hunter who is also super good at freestyling looks deep in thought or maybe like theyre watching some interesting dust motes*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < see a fridge about a clown

DAVE: what

DAVEPETA: B33 < like see a man about a horse no that sucked anyway see ya

As Dave and Davepeta reach the Liberty Jungle once more, Dave turns to say something to them. It's hard to say what though, because with another dual-colored rip in spacetime, the intrepid hero of this story is gone.


	3. A Clown Incident Prevented, Yet a Bad Taste Lingers Like Sour Milk

(VRISKA): Someone get me the hell out of this fucking NIGHMT8RE 8efore I re8lly L8SE MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAMZEE: WoAh, HeY, lEt’S aLl CaLm ThE mOtHeRfUcK dOwN.

A bright flash of… Well, you get the idea. Davepeta is here now. An unexpected stop that was suddenly incredibly necessary.

DAVEPETA: B33 < are you fur real right meow?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like are you kitten that this is what i have to deal with?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < (shit i said that last time i need better materiyowl)  
DAVEPETA: B33 < (materiyowl was pretty good)

(Vriska) and--you know what? I don't like this parentheses shit. It f33ls weird and cr33py and like she's being told she's not as real or legitimate than who? Rose and Kananya's kid? That rubs me the wrong way (which is a bad thing to do to a cat) for big, obvious reasons. So we're not doing that. This is Vriskers.

Vriskers and Gamzee turn to look at Davepeta as they emerge from the flashing orange and green spacetime rift.

GAMZEE: tHe FuCk?

VRISKERS: Exc8se me???????? What is happening now! Any more dipshits want to emerge from g8ddamn nowhere real quick? Just wondering!

DAVEPETA: B33 < dont think so  
DAVEPETA: B33 < sup vriskers long time no s33  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *davepeta lets out a little gr33ting chirp to indicate theyre happy to see a pal*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < fuckin clownshoes mccodpiece  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *davepeta arches their back their fur all standing up because they are rankled*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *just mad fuckin rankled these hackles are raised like theyre just pissed and hissing*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i was actually on my way to another timeline where youre left to rot like so much leftover grubloaf that no one actually wants  
DAVEPETA: B33 < against my better judgment because guess what dude not a single aspect of me is a fan of yours  
DAVEPETA: B33 < not even the crow part weirdly enough like just this random bird is like hey whoa caw caw caw bad clown vibes alert  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but i felt bad and know youve b33n through some shit and thought hey no one deserves to be locked in a kitchen appliance for eternity i should fix that on my whirlwind tour  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but no  
DAVEPETA: B33 < no!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you get let out and then this is what we get  
DAVEPETA: B33 < not to get too d33p into the metanarrative but someone clearly had a scratching post to claw when it comes to you like when did you bathe last?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < which again i dont blame them  
DAVEPETA: B33 < because you suck chute dude

VRISKERS: Hey! Hey!!!!!!!! I'm as 8ig a fan of ram8ling monologues as any other Serket 8ut can you fill me in here on WHAT THE F8CK IS GOING ON HERE????????

DAVEPETA: B33 < shit yeah sorry  
DAVEPETA: B33 < long story short things were about to get mad problematic

VRISKERS: Pro8lematic.

GAMZEE: nO pRoBlEmS hErE mY wIcKeD sIbLiNg.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dont even try it because i know for a fact the consent here is about to become dubious at best

VRISKERS: Consent? Consent to what?

Gamzee stands there, slurping milk from his baby bottle.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and whats the age gap here how old are you vriskers?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < because shit here is looking rather  
DAVEPETA: B33 < statutory

At that moment, Vriskers pieces together what Davepeta was getting at and goes pale. Aghast. Disgusted. She looks at them. Then Gamzee. Her eyes flick down to the codpiece. Then back to Davepeta.

VRISKERS: Oh F8CK NO.  
VRISKERS: Are you SH8TTING ME HERE? Are you FOR REAL????????  
VRISKERS: Look at him!  
VRISKERS: Oh my god smell him! I would never!!!!!!!!

GAMZEE: ;oD  
GAMZEE: NeVeR sAy NeVeR, yOu KnOw AbOuT mIrAcLeS, rIgHt? AnYtHiNg Is PoSsIbLe, My GoOd BiT--

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh my god please shut up!!

Gamzee stifles himself with a honk.

DAVEPETA: B33 < vriskers youve b33n through a lot recently and im guessing are like chock full of weird ass emotions  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but yeah in a fit of i dont even know what emotion bozo here flirts grossly with you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you beat the shit out of him  
DAVEPETA: B33 < then you do uh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < something in the bushes i didnt want to look that closely  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and then you kill him

GAMZEE: wHoA, wHaT?

VRISKERS: I… hold on. I need to sit down.

And she sits. And puts her head in her hands. And just tries to breathe normally.

VRISKERS: I h8 it here. Nothing makes any sense and--no, whatever, it's whatever! Did you expect me to 8e upset? I'm not. Really funny tr8ck. Didn't t8ke you as much of a prankster! Really spinning some yarns here huh? Things that 8oring in the 8u88les that you have to think up some 8ullshit stories? Things aren't already enough of a c8smic j8ke????????

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey vriskers i--

VRISKERS: THAT'S NOT MY N8ME! NOT VRISKERS, NOT (VRISKA)! I'M VRISKA SERKET! AND I… I…

She slowly loses steam, looking around at the scene around her, unfamiliar and absolute garbage. She picks a direction and starts walking at a brisk pace. Scattered people in her way clear a path for the angry teen. There is a war going on and she can't be bothered to care.

Davepeta is absolutely stumped. This is better, right? Like they are improving things. Making it so Vriska and Gamzee didn't do stuff in a bush is objectively a good decision. Her not killing him, jury's still out on that one. But this is... still bad.

They look around to see if anyone was going to… go after her? John is there. Just kind of standing awkwardly, as John does. Shuffling his feet a bit, like maybe he was considering it, but knew that his last conversation with her definitely didn't help matters any.

ROSE: John, up here!  
ROSE: I need to speak with you!

John looks up at Rose, hanging out of the hatch of a troll ship and waving. His smile is a mix of discomfort and relief. At least now he doesn't have to go after Vriska. She drops down to the ground, followed by Vriska 2.0? Vriska 2: Electric Boogaloo? Vriiska? Yeah. That's clever. Got the ii in there like a two. And it's subtle. Could just call them both Vriska, honestly. It's not like they're here at the same time.

ROSE: Wait, Davepetasprite?

Oh, great. Not that they aren't happy to see Rose, but a lot is going on in that moment.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey sup i actually cant talk right now  
DAVEPETA: B33 < juggling a lot of yarn balls in the air with my adorable kitty paws  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but maybe ill warp back in and we can talk over some tea sometime  
DAVEPETA: B33 < john!!

John perks up, looking at Davepeta with a bit of disappointment as he realizes he'd probably have to face the current situation. Davepeta points a claw over at Gamzee, who is trying to slink away into the night.

DAVEPETA: B33 < can you handle that?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like ask condesce mk ii this time shes human to not illegally dump her clown trash wherever  
DAVEPETA: B33 < or like figure out where calliope got to since they were the one who asked you to fr33 him  
DAVEPETA: B33 < let them deal with him for a bit  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean ideally wed just call the clown cops  
DAVEPETA: B33 < also known as the regular actual police  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but as far as i know this isnt a tom cruise in minority report dystopia and magic cool fuckin cat bird troll sprite precogs reporting on gross crimes before they happen isnt grounds for arrest

ROSE: Weren't you in a hurry?

DAVEPETA: B33 < shit yeah i gotta find vriska

ROSE: Why do you need my daughter exactly?

VRISKA: Uh?

JOHN: oh, no, they mean (vriska).

ROSE: (Vriska)?

VRISKA: What Do You Want? I'm Right Here.

JOHN: no, not vriska, (vriska)! you know, from--

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay so this is fucking stupid so im gonna go

Vriska is easy enough to find. She went in a straight line, daring the turmoil around her to touch a single hair on her head. Or maybe she was just lucky. Davepeta encounters her laying on the lush grass of a hill, staring up at the sky with a blank expression.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey vriskerrrrrr--vriska

VRISKA: Get lost.

DAVEPETA: B33 < are you okay  
DAVEPETA: B33 < that was a dumb question

VRISKA: Sure was. Go away.

DAVEPETA: B33 < he lost by the way

No response. Maybe if they were to give more details.

DAVEPETA: B33 < lord english  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you did it

Vriska focuses right in on Davepeta.

VRISKA: What?

DAVEPETA: B33 < you won  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the whole thing with the juju it worked  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you missed out on s33ing it but heres what happened

What followed was the most adequate explanation of events in the history of paradox space.

VRISKA: Holy shit.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah it was pretty ridiculous  
DAVEPETA: B33 < its not over either  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you set things in motion and i know the ending but you still get to s33 it

They motion to the giant rift in the sky from the black hole.

DAVEPETA: B33 < at some point the ending you want is going to come through that hole and you can watch how it all finishes up  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but hey  
DAVEPETA: B33 < what about after?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < what are you going to do?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < beclaws im begging you vriska  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dont let this be your purrpose  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dont have this end and then sit around for a couple decades because you dont have meaning  
DAVEPETA: B33 < live your life  
DAVEPETA: B33 < go to high school or something  
DAVEPETA: B33 < get a hobby and make some new friends or  
DAVEPETA: B33 < fuck i dunno maybe you can go up with arad--eh i dont want to spoil too much  
DAVEPETA: B33 < look im getting off track but just know that a lot of the people we used to know either put their lives on pause or fell into some dark places without the game to give them purrpose  
DAVEPETA: B33 < sburb or sgrub or whatever robbed us all of a youth and a normal upbringing and just dont let it rob you too  
DAVEPETA: B33 < or at least look into therapy!

Vriska gawks, then snorts out a laugh.

VRISKA: Uh, yeah. Okay. Wow, that was a lot. You feel 8etter? Is that out of your system? No offense, Davepeta, but none of that applies to me. Things are going gr8. You just told me I won, and I might get to witness Lord English get destroyed? Everything is gr8, and I'm gr8. Happy Wriggling Day to me, Davepeta. Thanks for the gift!

DAVEPETA: B33 < wait no but look

VRISKA: Look nothing! I'm winning! You just told me I 8eat the end 8oss and that everyone else is a 8ig loser. I won!!!!!!!! 8ecause of course I did! May8e I'll take this place over since it's apparently 8eing run into the ground.

She stands up and brushes the dirt off her jeans. Vriska takes a power stance and laughs.

DAVEPETA: B33 < youre not getting what youre supposed to from this confursation

VRISKA: Thanks for saving me from possi8ly making out with Gamzee fucking Makara of all people, if that was actually going to happen. 8ut no, I'm on top of the world! Guess I'll go see what this war's all a8out and see if they need a leader to get shit done.

And there she goes. Striding off with that ridiculous amount of Serket bravado. Oh wait, she stopped.

VRISKA: Hey, I just remem8ered I pretty much helped make you, right? You're welcome for that, 8y the way.

And then she leaves for real. This was a… good use of time, probably. This is an improvement. Davepeta decides it was time to move on while they are some type of ahead.


	4. Davepeta Ruins a Wedding, That is Pretty Much It... But It's for the Better, Really...

KARKAT: OH FUCK.

Maybe the balcony wasn't the best place to appear. Or at least not within arm's reach of a very jumpy Karkat who is constantly absolutely worried about an assassination attempt.

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh shit sorry

Also not a good idea to appear next to a guy during his ex-whatever's wedding when you yourself look similar to said ex. That's just a handy tip.

KARKAT: DAVE? PETA. DAVEPETA. UH. HEY.

Karkat is looking good. Not to be horny on the narrative, just time has treated him well. Davepeta notes that it's pretty hard not to think about an old crush holed up in at least one part of the mind, so step off. Anyway.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey  
DAVEPETA: B33 < did i miss much?

KARKAT: I MEAN, THE WHOLE WEDDING. YES. YOU MISSED THE WEDDING, WHICH PROBABLY COUNTS AS MISSING MUCH.  
KARKAT: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ABOUT TIME? SHOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU PUNCTUAL?

DAVEPETA: B33 < heh well i mean i didnt really come for the wedding  
DAVEPETA: B33 < maybe i should have i dunno  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i wasnt invited since no one really knows i am around  
DAVEPETA: B33 < *davepeta stretches in that fullbody way that cats do*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < anyone object?

Karkat scoffs at the question.

KARKAT: NO. WHAT KIND OF BULGECHAFING FUCKLORD WOULD INTERRUPT THEIR WEDDING?

DAVEPETA: B33 < someone still dealing with f33lings for--

JOHN: hi, karkat! oh and… wait shit, davepeta sprite squared?

DAVEPETA: B33 < dude please just davepeta

Panic sets in on John's face. Why is Davepeta here? Now, of all times! Weren't they off in paradox space, fighting, probably? But that was so many years ago now. Well, time works differently out there.

JOHN: i fucked it up, didn't i? i made the wrong choice and now canon's all screwed up…

KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
KARKAT: WHAT IS THIS IDIOT TALKING ABOUT?

JOHN: i knew this didn't feel right! i mean dave and jade? after years of dave and karkat clearly having their… god, whatever their fucking relationship was??

KARKAT: EXCUSE ME? WHAT THE FUCK?

JOHN: no offense, karkat. oh my god i'm so sorry. i screwed it up.

DAVEPETA: B33 < john oh my god!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < shut up!! you didnt do anything!

JOHN: yeah, no, duh! and look what happened!

The ruckus is so loud that nobody noticed the balcony door opening. Karkat doesn't get a chance to bail.

JOHN: this whole wedding is just the cherry on top of the destroyed canon sundae!

DAVE: uhhhh i was about to ask if this is where the real party is

JOHN: oh, fuck. KARKAT: OH! FUCK! DAVEPETA: B33 < oh fuck JOHN: dave! shit, look! i mean this is really--KARKAT: SHIT SHIT SHIT WHERE'S MY GRAPPLE? DAVEPETA: B33 < john!! JOHN: i'm so happy for you but this isn't canon is all.

DAVE: karkat?

The moment hangs in the air. The jabbering and yammering comes to an abrupt grinding slam. The awkwardness? Palpable. John coughs.

KARKAT: UH, HEY.

DAVE: hey sup  
DAVE: you didnt rsvp so i figured you werent coming or were planning some--

He clears his throat suddenly.

DAVE: its good to see you

KARKAT: YEAH. UH. I GOT HERE LATE. FUCKING RESISTANCE STUFF. YOU KNOW. SO I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT. YOU KNOW. YOUR BIG MOMENT AND ALL.

DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah

This is… something. This is why Davepeta came, really. This encounter needed to happen. Which sucks. It really does. It sucks. Because no way will this be good for the marriage.

JOHN: really?

DAVE: really what

JOHN: youre just gonna dance around this issue?

Dave and Karkat freeze up. Karkat visibly bristles. Davepeta can't help but audibly wince, sucking air through clenched teeth.

DAVEPETA: B33 < john

KARKAT: WE AREN'T--

JOHN: we're just ignoring that we're not in the canon timeline? that everything is wrong? youre just going to let me say what i said about this wedding??? just plug your ears and act like nothing is wrong like everyone always does? am i the only one who sees how wrong this all is???

John grabs two handfuls of hair and pulls in frustration. He is in full rant mode now. Pacing the balcony, he draws even more attention from the other wedding guests. Karkat is looking more nervous than ever. He finally finds his grapple line, hooking it onto the railing.

KARKAT: I HAVE TO GO. I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY.

DAVE: come on dude you dont--

KARKAT: NO, I DO! IT'S NOT--

DAVE: everyone here is cool youre not even the only rebel or whatever dude like this is a safe space just come in

John, for the record, is still pacing, ranting about canon divergence and Lord English. Davepeta is feeling a bit lost. Their whole mission is coming apart at the seams. They were going to the bad parts of the timeline and making things better so their friends would be happier. But with each new stop, things just get weirder and harder.

KARKAT: DAVE, I'M YOUR FUCKING… I'M! SHIT! WHATEVER I AM, ME LURKING AROUND OUT HERE ON THE BALCONY PEERING IN ON THE EVENT LIKE SOME BASEMENT DWELLING ORGAN PHANTOM ISN'T GOOD. IT'S REALLY BAD, DAVE!

DAVE: you were late like you said  
DAVE: its not that big a deal you didnt rsvp whatever who cares france doesnt exist anymore and society doesnt need to adhere to its invite etiquette systems dude

The pacing stops. John slaps his palm against his face and drags it down dramatically. Davepeta wonders if John was drunk. Surely some schnapps or something were involved here.

JOHN: he wasn't late! it's soooooooo obvious!

KARKAT: JOHN.

JOHN: he's pining! he misses you and wishes you two were together!!

KARKAT: JOHN, PLEASE…

JOHN: because you two are meant to be! it's so! fucking! obvious!

This sucks. This sucks so bad. Yes, this is making things more in line with the shipping charts that Davepeta may or may not have saved on a laptop somewhere, but the process to get there has been a bit too dramatic and sad and not like the lighthearted shipping comic they may or may not have drawn years ago.

And Jade! Oh my god, Jade! She just can't win in this. She is going to get hurt, that's just a fact at this point. A cosmic inevitability. But is it better to be hurt early on like this or after years of a questionable marriage leading up to Dave fucking off into a robot body and leaving Jade to find his hollow meat shell at some point and wonder for who knows how long what happened? And who is Davepeta to decide this?

KARKAT: JOHN, FUCK THIS WHOLE NOTION OF MEANT TO BE, OF FATE, OF CANON, OF THE GODDAMN NARRATIVE! IT'S NOT THAT DEEP AND YOU'RE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT! SHIT HAPPENED AND I BAILED LIKE A SNIVELING DIPSHIT, AND THE MAN I LOVE GOT MARRIED! IT HAPPENS!

All eyes are on them now. Everyone is definitely watching.

DAVE: the man you--  
JADE: love?

Even her. The narration didn't even see her approaching the door. That was the narration's bad. Was a void player nearby or something? Shit. Needless to say, Davepeta got the hell out of there.


	5. Ollieing Out of the Tough Conversation Frying Pan and Into the Tough Conversation Fire (ft. Jasprose)

Shit is absolutely tumultuous when Davepeta arrives. In terms of the internal emotionometer they had, things are pinging off the charts. Everyone is yelling and gale force winds are whipping around. Though when Davepeta appears in a crackle of green and orange energy, the former stops.

And at that exact moment, an airborne book slams cover-first into their fucking face.

DAVEPETA: B33 < ow fuck!

Not here, not now. This moment was too much. What could they even do here? Why did they even come? They have to say something, what with everyone staring right at them.

DAVEPETA: B33 < uh

JADE: davepeta??

JOHN: wait! oh no, does this mean…

ROXY: wats going on

DAVE: oh shit

Shit, they are really on the spot here. They look around, mouth ajar. And then another rift opens, bright pink and purple and accompanied by a burst of glitter.

JASPROSE: Oh, sorry to interrupt this mind-bogglingly stupid argument you're all having. :3 I'll be out of your hair in just a moment. I just need to borrow Davepeta here for a bit.  
JASPROSE: Don't worry, Davepeta. You won't miss anything interesting. Just a group of absolute jackasses. John in his extremely tired 'only sane man left' routine making a few good points buried under a lot of bad ones, while everyone else just kind of stares at the rising tide of fascism and a pretty abusive domestic situation wrapped in one disgusting burrito and just kind of shrugs and goes 'what can you do' about the whole thing.  
JASPROSE: Which, hello, you dense motherfuckers. You're essentially gods and you can do a lot. But anyway. :3

She produces a fenestrated wall and puts it above herself and Davepeta. With a little wave goodbye it drops, and the two of them are gone.

Davepeta finds themself in a small apartment living room. The paint job is pink and purple and the furnishings are ostentatious.

JASPROSE: I feel like I should be offended by that.

She is sprawled out on a throne, sitting almost sideways with one leg over the arm.

JASPROSE: Which is downright sexy of her, honestly. Wait, hold on…

She looks fantastic. Much like her choice of decor. Though a kinder narrator might go with fancy rather than ostentatious. Or flamboyant. Maybe just showy. Because when one looks this good, one should want to show off.

Ostentatious sounds about right, though. No offense. A little taken. You can't say something rude and then just--

Are we really doing this? Does no one care about the rules here? Do we constantly need to be breaking--please, they're more like suggestions. Writing doesn't really have rules. Not enforceable ones, anyway. The fuzz isn't going, to kick down my door; just because I'm not punctuating properly.

Davepeta pinches the bridge of their nose. Their colors strobe slightly.

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay im like legit getting a stress headache from this so can we like take a minute to regroup?

JASPROSE: Take all the time you need. Do you want me to put on some tea? Take the narrative for a bit? You've been doing a lot.

DAVEPETA: B33 < nah im gonna grab a water though

Jasprose leans down and picks a book off the floor. It must have come through the wall with them. The book is thin and the cover is bright red and there's a Crockercorp logo on the spine. 'Beware The Rainbow, It Always Comes After a Gray Storm.' She flips through it briefly. Obviously some flavor of xenophobic propaganda disguised as a kids' book but the messaging is so poor that it comes off in parts as homophobic and on one page as anti-weather. Did this get a wide release or did Tavros get the dubious honor of getting failed Crockercorp books not fit for actual publication?

Davepeta sits down on a chair with a bottle of spring water, the strobing down to a light flicker. Jasprose is sitting on one arm of the throne, legs outstretched to the other. She flings the book over her shoulder.

DAVEPETA: B33 < so uh hello is there a reason you kidnapped me?

JASPROSE: Let's call it a dry run.  
JASPROSE: *Trills.*  
JASPROSE: That's a joke. Don't worry about it. I just figured you probably needed a time out. You've been busy.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im fine

JASPROSE: Are you? You don't look fine. A rogue semicolon practically gave you a panic attack.

The strobing kicks up a bit. Davepeta looks… well, not well. The word haggard comes to mind but that is a bit extreme and also pretty rude. Exhausted is nicer and probably more fitting. Maybe drained.

JASPROSE: You're really going with present tense, huh? A bold choice. :3 Not what I tend to go with, but when in Rome. Wait, what is in the area that was previously Rome? Benko Gambit Crossing, I think.  
JASPROSE: Not important. I know what you're doing though. And it isn't going as expected, is it?

Davepeta goes to answer but Jasprose puts a hand up, palm facing them. She's upside-down in the throne at this point.

JASPROSE: Rhetorical. I know it isn't. You're dealing with, frankly, some heavy shit. I guess the big question is why?  
JASPROSE: Again, rhetorical. The answer is pretty obvious. You did your part and now what, right? Bad guy punched, his fate all but sealed. You were probably supposed to die in the process. Maybe not supposed to, but. :3 Expendable is probably a better way to put it. A sacrificial pawn like John. But you're very much alive.  
JASPROSE: So of course you need a purpose. You've got yourself a head full of ultimate self, a heart full of wanting to help, and a pocket full of dreams. You can't just settle down, get a place in the city, pick up a hobby.

She stretches her whole body and then sits normal style. Davepeta is halfway through their water.

JASPROSE: I have to give you a little credit. You didn't fuck off to a cave or whatever and stew in your own lack of purpose and unchecked depression and become another sadsack protagonist with nothing to do. Until you either fully sink into the mire or get so tired of the mire that you go full 'I think I will cause problems on purpose' meme and become a shitty anime villain. So, yes, gold star there.

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh so what you have it all figured out then?

JASPROSE: Gods no. But who cares? I'm living my life. :3 I got my GED. I got my driver's license. I enrolled in community college. Been on some dates. In my downtime I poke around in the other timelines. Did you know on some obscure offshoot Dave writes a wildly historically inaccurate hip hop Broadway musical about Obama? I kid you not, there is a character named Ben Ghazi.  
JASPROSE: It drives me up a wall, Davepeta. Literal gods. Mythical beings walking the Earth. Running for president, running corporations, being masters of the universe, and none of them have a full junior high education. They just have cars. No licenses. Well, Jade is like that weird homeschool kid on track for an Ivy League university at age twelve but who still missed out on the socialization aspect of group projects and Field Day.  
JASPROSE: But I'll give Jade a pass because she's been through a lot. Also because she is hot and I am but a simple lesbian cat goddess. :3  
JASPROSE: We're where, the timeline where she's the annoying side character to a years long slowburn will-they-or-won't-they? I mean she does that in the other one too. And don't get me wrong, she is not blameless. But this is the one where she commits the Ultimate Yaoi Crime and gets in the way of the popular m/m ship, right? At least in the other one she's considerate enough to be comatose or possessed half the time. :3 And then there's the dead teen one who is basically Callie's ventriloquist dummy. I think that's this timeline. Either way, shit is--as the kids say--fucked.

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay but how can you act that way?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < how can you just say shits fucked and just go on going to community clawege or whatever??

Davepeta is getting a bit rankled again. Rankled seems to be one of their default states lately.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah im goddamn rankled how are you not rankled?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < youve s33n all the same shit i have right? weve b33n talking about it right? the shit with jane and dirk and john and Jade

JASPROSE: Yes, Davepeta. I am aware of all the aforementioned shit in a state of fuckery. That didn't stop being a thing I'm extremely aware of. What should I be doing? Hopping around spacetime and getting my little paws up inside everyone's business?

DAVEPETA: B33 < yes??

JASPROSE: Davepeta. Answer me honestly. How's that working out for you? I'm not saying wanting change is a bad thing. Change is wonderful. But how is your particular method going? Is it accomplishing anything? Or are you just tearing yourself apart trying to fix everything?  
JASPROSE: Shouldn't you be going to school and getting a hobby and making friends and going to therapy? Not letting the game rob you? Or is that advice just for Vriska?

DAVEPETA: B33 < thats different  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i have--

Jasprose rose from her throne, starting to walk around the seating area with precise and quiet steps.

JASPROSE: You have what? What do you have besides the overwhelming guilt of John dying and you feeling like you could have done more? Even though you stuffed Lord English into a blackhole, that wasn't enough, was it? John died and the Davesprite part of you is incredibly fucked up about it. So you have to scramble around and fix whatever you can. Even though you're really just slapping bandaids on a universe that Alt-Callie gives so little a shit about that she just kind of has given up on any sort of involved narration. You're just going around causing more and more branching paths. Who knows how they even turn out!  
JASPROSE: You have no idea if the Dave you talked to leaves Jade. You have no idea how Jade feels if he does leave. You don't know what path you set Vriska down.  
JASPROSE: You aren't happy and you don't feel good about this. But you don't know what to do. You are terrified of being an unstable fusion made up of two people who didn't even know each other. You have a little voice in the back of your head telling you the only reason you didn't explode is because you had a purpose.

She rests against the back of Davepeta's chair.

JASPROSE: You have to keep moving. You have to keep doing. Because the initial thrill of being someone new is wearing thin and the mask of self confidence is slipping. Because deep down it's the same mask Dave wears and it's the same coat Nepeta wraps herself up in to tell herself the loneliness isn't that bad and even if they make fun of her, her friends are still her friends.  
JASPROSE: It's the walls Rose puts up around herself that I've been doing my best to tear down around myself.  
JASPROSE: Keep moving. Keep doing. Keep thinking about anything else that isn't the nagging fear that you're two kids in a trenchcoat with incompatible personalities and neuroses that will erupt into nothingness if you slow down for even a second.

The strobing lights up the room from its intensity.

JASPROSE: Which is dumb as hell, Davepeta!

DAVEPETA: B33 < what???

JASPROSE: That's stupid! You're still together. For whatever reason. It's working. And not because you're running yourself ragged. Hey, dumbass, that's why you feel like you're fracturing now. Not because you don't have things to do but because you're frantic and scrambling to feel Relevant and Helpful and a string of not-quite-successes is making you freak out.  
JASPROSE: Do you think you'd be feeling this way if you were drawing some ironic shipping art or eating some Totino's Pizza Rolls?

The blinking slowed some.

DAVEPETA: B33 < so what i just give up then?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < just do furrivolous shit and too bad for everyone else  
DAVEPETA: B33 < is that the goal here?

JASPROSE: No. Oh my gods. Live your life. Live your life and help the people in it. Stop jumping around into other people's lives and meddling and bouncing out to the next job. Settle down. Settle down and improve one big thing where you are.  
JASPROSE: Let's do an exercise. I'm going to ask you a question and without thinking about it, just answer it.  
JASPROSE: Who do you want to help?

DAVEPETA: B33 < jade

JASPROSE: Why?

She returns to the throne, sitting down and listening intently.

DAVEPETA: B33 < she deserves better  
DAVEPETA: B33 < she spent so much time asl33p or alone or mind controlled or possessed or even just as a tool for someone elses plan  
DAVEPETA: B33 < its messed up

JASPROSE: Hmm. Go on.

DAVEPETA: B33 < not gonna lie i just f33l all around very connected to her too and i just want to do right by her

The flashing lights were gone.

DAVEPETA: B33 < if i can just help her  
DAVEPETA: B33 < get her around all this shit that k33ps happening to her  
DAVEPETA: B33 < thatd be purretty dope

JASPROSE: So. Do it. Make a difference. Which you aren't going to do by making Gamzee take a bath or whatever you plan on doing before backflipping off to your next task. But more importantly? Be happy. Do something you want to do.

DAVEPETA: B33 < like youre doing?

JASPROSE: Oh, believe me. I definitely think the world would be a better place if more people modeled themselves on me. :3 But, yes. I'm trying hard to follow my own advice. I might have some big things planned.  
JASPROSE: All that said, feel free to leave my house. And, Davepeta?

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah?

She stands up, as did they, and she gives them a big tight hug. Which will not be detailed here, because that's just kind of weird.

JASPROSE: It was good to see you. Good luck out there.

And with that, she releases the embrace and gives them a little shove. And Davepeta, not expecting it, falls ass backward into the fenestrated wall.


	6. Intermission/Transition

Everyone is still standing around as Davepeta appears back on the scene. The fenestrated wall vanishes with a glittery poof. The wind has died down and the tension in the room is absolutely palpable.

Davepeta clears their throat.

DAVEPETA: B33 < you all are fucked up  
DAVEPETA: B33 < please get your shit sorted

They open up another portal and aim themself Meatward.


	7. Everything is Very Normal in The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry this chapter took so long. I had a hard time writing it and also had to get a friend to help edit it. Oh! And a SPOILER ALERT for basically the last several episodes of the final season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.)

Her body should be dead now. But I’m holding it together until I can implement the more permanent solution I have in mind. All in due time. For now, what is there to do but savor this moment? To appreciate her final waking minutes as a being of flesh and blood?

What is there to do, actually? Is the vessel ready? Really ready? I walk over to it, my brow furrowing. Rose follows my every move with her eyes, the reverence nearly palpable… All of the stress is too much for her and it would basically be best to put her on low battery mode so she doesn’t burn herself out while I finish my preparations.

So, I put her to sleep.

...she falls asleep, I mean.

I eye the robot's right arm. I know that I assembled the shoulder joint properly, but on the off chance that there’s dust or moisture that will wear down the joint, I begin disassembling the arm to inspect it. This is why I put Rose into sleep mode; I can't bear for her to watch me have even the slightest doubt. The other Dirk did so poorly with Dave, left him with such complicated feelings, a flawed perspective. Left him seeing me as a monster. Rose will not see me that way. She won't see that side. She’ll see the confident puppet master genius that we know that I am. And seeing me waffle on the status of a shoulder joint is not gonna inspire the kind of confidence in me I’d prefer she have.

It's sloppy. It's shuriken in the microwave sloppy. At best, negligence. But I know this shoulder is fine. If I say the shoulder is fine, it's fine. And if it isn't, it can be fixed later. But if I know it's fine, why do I feel the need to check it? I stare at the arm. I pick it up, looking at the joint, scanning for dust, debris, a loose hair. I set it back down. This self doubt could be a product of one too many sleepless nights... Though I'm beyond sleep at this point, no? And sleep would just let anyone walk in here and jack the narrative. Which is the last thing I need.

What if the damn skeleton gets it? Or if Rose ascends while I'm out and snatches it from me? That wouldn't be the worst thing but we both know I should be the one in the pilot's seat. Even if she would say otherwise. This is TRULY stupid. I pick up my tool, ready to reattach the arm.

If you find yourself growing tired of this snippet of the storyline, rest assured that there isn't anything else important going on, unless you're thirsty enough to watch Dave and Karkat sit three feet apart on a couch. Though, you probably do want that. We all know Jake isn't worth watching unless I'm there, unfortunately, and those are pretty much all the characters that matter. Let me just finish up here, get the plot rolling again and end this moment of pointless self indulge--

Rainbow Dash. I pause. I think about My Little Pony’s series finale. Well, no, I think about the series in general. Rainbow Dash was cool as hell, but the show writers really struggled with what to do with her. She had a cornucopia of vulnerabilities and insecurities, all hidden behind a wall of ego. But they really did her dirty, ultimately portraying that wall as her true self and making her a self-absorbed jerk. She was even an antagonist at times, or at least a roadblock to everyone else having a good time.

They made not one but TWO episodes where Rainbow Dash engages in behaviors that annoy her friends, and instead of sitting her down and opening up a line of communication, they conspire and scheme to come up with farcically ridiculous plans that at best, in the case of Mare-Do-Well, make Rainbow Dash feel worthless for the capital crime of bragging about being a beloved hero, and at worst, in the case of 28 Pranks Later, make her think she's responsible for the undeath of hundreds, maybe thousands, including all of her friends. And for what? Because she likes to pull pranks? She is assigned to be cheerleading coach at the Friendship School which she upsets her students by dismissing until it comes back around to being about how cool she is. There's a _whole episode_ about the Wonderbolts’ waggishness negatively impacting her already jarringly low self esteem.

It just seems weird to me that the pony every member of the Mane Six should thank for their cutie marks (and thereby the knowledge of their respective purposes in life) constantly has to be upbraided and admonished despite already being a mess internally. She does, however get rewarded in the time skip final episode with an implied relationship with Applejack. I guess. The two of them did have on screen chemistry in--I'll be generous here and say the first couple seasons, though ‘couple’ may be pushing it--but it felt pretty tacked on.

The way  I phrased that might imply that I don’t approve of the pairing. No. I like that they ended up together. It's a good ship. Raridash and Rarijack aren’t all that good, they just pander to the opposites attract crowd. And if both those ships invoke that trope, where this one did not, it stands to reason that Rainbow Dash and Applejake are similar enough for a relationship that just makes sense.

Applejake? Applejack. I imagine Rainbow Dash with my shades drawn on. And Applejack with rectangular eyeglasses and buckteeth. Of course. I basically kin Rainbow Dash so of course I ship her with the eager and strong aw shucks rootin tootin horse. Jake is Applejack. Applejake. Of course. Wow. Well shit, that's a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didn't even really need solving, but damn if it didn't just get solved. So, nice work.

That is. That's not true. Obviously.  No,  it isn't true, is it? Because Jake absolutely isn't Applejack. Jake is Pinkie Pie. My idealized Jake is Applejack but he's really just Pinkie Pie. A party animal who has problems dealing with his responsibilities. Who clings to me hard and gets antsy if anyone takes any of my focus, but will readily bounce elsewhere and go however long without talking to me if someone else grabs his attention. Whose bubbly gung-ho façade hides insecurity and a fear of being left behind. A surprisingly deep and introspective person-- but meanwhile let's just wield that plush rump like a party cannon and cast him as the eternal fun loving himbo. But despite his attachment to me and his need to please those important to him, he still won't end up with me because he's more likely to suddenly be married to some random Cheese Sandwich and end up with a couple kids because that's life, isn't it? And somehow he's satisfied with that.

What. Jake has nothing to do with any of this.

Sure. Fine. Let's focus on me. After all, that's my favorite topic. Okay, wait--

The original basic premise is  flawed  to begin with, because I am not even Rainbow Dash. I'm Discord.

I'm definitely not Discord, I say, my fingers entangled in so many marionette strings.

But, yeah, for one, Discord is funny. I'm funny. I like fun. I don't like the lol so randum shit, but I do love the long con. The manipulation. The dominos falling one by one to form a big picture of a big prank. And it's all to better everyone else. I set the fighting robot on super hard because it's funny to make Jake struggle but also completing his task shouldn't be a cakewalk.

Jake. Cakewalk. Pinkie Pie. There's layers here and I don't want to see them. Anyway. I went through my reformation but just like Discord I keep being the antagonist. I keep fucking up people's lives. For their benefit. I'm going to space and looking for a new society to force into the game but it's so everyone has something to do, so that we have purpose.  And if that makes you the villain,  so be it. You're the villain. You're Discord disguised as Grogar, with your genius villain team up plan. All to make sure everyone else is ready for whatever you think they need to be ready for.

DIRK: Hm. You know, between the two of us, I thought you'd be the one more mindful about proper pronouns.

It is around that time that Davepeta, two feet behind me, realizes they didn't come into this with a final goal in mind. What do they plan to do, just stab me in the chest?

DAVEPETA: B33 < shit

DIRK: Decapitation or bust.

My katana is in my hand and I turn toward them.

DIRK: Congratulations on getting this close. Something felt off, but you got real sloppy at the end there. Using all your braincells to keep your inner catgirl from narrating your approach?

The light overhead catches my blade and it glints beautifully. It makes a _shing_ noise, because I say it does, and this is my story. It's just like one of my animes. I switch the text color for easier readability. I continue to be an excellent host.

DAVEPETA: B33 < aaaaAAAAAH!!!

They lunge at me, despite the look of fear readily apparent on their face. It catches me slightly off guard. Perhaps the katana was a bad choice. Trigger warning: I'm about to activate some deep-seated Bro trauma buried in the Dave part of your brain. Damn the other me for cranking the fight part of Dave's fight or flight to maximum.

My Japanese steel meets bullshit sprite squared adamantium Wolverine claws with a clash of sparks.

DIRK: What are you even doing? What's the endgame here?

The answer is just another panicked scream. As far as top 10 anime fight scenes go, passionate screaming is a pretty common factor. At least they're not hitting me with the power of friendship speech. I'm sure you appreciate that, too.

DAVEPETA: B33 < FUCK FUCK FURRICK!

I swing my blade again and again, putting them on the defense. They block strike after strike with crossed claws, chest heaving with every harrowed breath.

DIRK: I really didn't plan for this, so good job on that. I figured the Lord English fight would keep your attention for a bit longer. If you lived I would have worked you in as a surprise character who popped up somewhere down the line to do something that really whipped everyone up into a frenzy. Some dubiously canonical side thing in a less important location. Put your gaudily-colored ass behind a paywall.

I go for a big slash, keeping the pressure on. The sprite lacks the presence of mind to go for the clear and obvious opening, deigning instead to unfurl their wings to put some distance between us. I'm in advantage state. They’re finished. Davepeta is just getting started, actually. They beat their powerful wings once, and a gust of wind barrels into Dirk. It's enough to make him pause.

And that's all I n33d. If I wasn’t already all puffed up outrageously from the shitty clanging of metal on metal, that’d definitely be a thing that happened once I go in for a big claw swipe that gets met by his katana. My free hand comes in from the side with enough speed that Dirk has to hop back to avoid ending up with his insides on the outside. My first hand twists, locking his blade in between two claws, making it that much more difficult for him to use. Jab. Hop. Jab. Hop. We go back and forth like this for a stupid amount of time, which also is just like in one of his animes.

DAVEPETA: B33 < this is too much dirk this is off the goddamn rails

DIRK: Yeah? This is what's derailed it all? Everything up until now was firmly on the rails? Jujus and retcons and Green Suns and squared sprites are all fine but I'm out here trying to keep us all relevant and canonical and _that's_ too much? That's what you're telling me?

DAVEPETA: B33 < yes?? johns dead and you're about to upload rose into a robot body under bullshit pretenses and puppet mastered her wife into being moderately chill with it

Dirk's back bunps up against the worktable.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and jane is doing some big fascist garbage that you as campaign meownager got her on and for what?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < to keep everyone talking about that while you do your shit over here??  
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh shit thats why isnt it?

In their moment of realization, I turn the tables again. Well, I turn us, and now they're against the table.

DIRK: Yes, basically. It's working really well too.

DAVEPETA: B33 < its the labyrinth  
DAVEPETA: B33 < discord makes the labyrinth and corrupts everyone to act against their elements and its all a big distraction so the ponies lose and he has free reign to make ponyville the chaos capital of the world

DIRK: Are you still on that?

I put the pressure on. There's no escape except to teleport out of here, and when they try again, I'll be ready. Davepeta strains to block my assault with one set of claws, their other hand on the table trying to brace themself.

DAVEPETA: B33 < you know im right and you hate it  
DAVEPETA: B33 < even though youre ready to be the villain and tell yourself youre prepared to take that role  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you dont want to actually be the villain  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the repurring piece of shit jackass who should have learned his lesson and chilled out by now who n33ds fluttershy around to babysit and coddle him and keep him from giving in to his chaotic instincts  
DAVEPETA: B33 < because you want someone to stop you a little bit! but not enough to k33p yourself alive if your plan fails  
DAVEPETA: B33 < why? are you scared to face everyone with the shit you pulled and the hurt you caused in any scenario except the one where you get to f33l vindicated because you ended up being right?

They paw frantically at the desk and stab forward with a screwdriver. I knock it out of their hand with well-placed elbow.

DIRK: Maybe you should focus more on not losing this fight and less on your hellaciously poor readings of me vis a vis My Little Pony characters. Your interpretations are amateur hour and we should both be thankful Rose isn't awake to see you humiliating yourself with this godawful and frankly pedestrian level of analysis.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im going to be real with you here dirk i didnt put much thought into it

DIRK: No shit.

DAVEPETA: B33 < it was just something to k33p you distracted enough for me to get behind you and it was a nice bonus that it managed to touch a nerve  
DAVEPETA: B33 < just like this accidentally worked out in my favor too

They stop resisting so hard and I slip forward into them. Out of the corner of my eye I see a flash of something metallic, and a fraction of a second later it makes solid contact with the side of my--

Davepeta stands there clutching the detached Rosebot arm, the blunt object to knock Dirk out that they wish they would have had before that whole nonsense anime fight scene happened. Dirk slumps against them before falling to the floor unconscious.

Step one complete.


	8. One Last Retcon Before The Change Comes

JADE: so you see janes neoliberal austerity measures—

Charts, graphs, the economy. Roxy hates it. Calliope is just happy to be here. Look, I'm sorry. We just don't have the time for this. Dirk's knocked out and tied up and I have no idea how long that's going to last. Shit, yeah, I know. First person. Fuck. Hold on.

Davepeta appears. They don't need the description for the spacetime rift every time. Again, not a lot of time. A few floating graphs bump into each other, Roxy jolts. It's comical.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey we dont have a lot of time dirks knocked out and tied up and i have no idea how long thats going to last  
DAVEPETA: B33 < deja vu oops dont worry about it

JADE: davepeta??

ROXY: wats going on

CALLIOPE: oh! another gUest!

ROXY: what about dirk exactly is he okay?  
ROXY: knocked out? what happened?

DAVEPETA: B33 < i bludgeoned him no big deal dont worry about it

ROXY: you WHAT

JADE: davepeta what the fuck??

CALLIOPE: i'm getting some tea! who wants tea? davepeta, woUld yoU like some tea? ^u^ maybe a petit foUr?

DAVEPETA: B33 < look im actually in a h--  
DAVEPETA: B33 < okay a petit four sounds baller and yeah ill take some tea please

Roxy rises from their seat, looking on the verge of squaring up to fight. Wait, should I have popped in after the nonbinary reveal? I feel like I kind of stole a big moment. But it would have been bad if I talked over it happening too. Wait, things are going on.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yikes!! okay hey dirk is super alive  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and on the evil side of morally grey and in control of the narrative until the previously mentioned bludgeoning  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and about to turn rose into a robot and then go to space to start up sburb 2 electric boogaloo i guess?

Roxy is absolutely not calming down.

ROXY: yo that sounds tremendously fake  
ROXY: also dirk isnt evil

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah and jane isnt betty crocker 2 elec--shit it is so hard to not use that as a go to joke for a sequel  
DAVEPETA: B33 < betty crocker 2 judgment day  
DAVEPETA: B33 < betty crocker xxl  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you know like meowgic mike shit no it just kind of sounds like a fat joke  
DAVEPETA: B33 < getting way off track here what im getting at is youre not the best judge of character roxy

ROXY: the fuck davepeta!

Davepeta facepalms and takes a breath.

DAVEPETA: B33 < look i dont mean to barge in here and insult you and ruin a purrfectly good economic chart party but seriously i just came to talk to jade

JADE: you have managed to not do that at all so far so great job there!!  
JADE: roxy can you maybe stand down? i dont think davepeta is the type to attack someone for no reason

ROXY: they stabbed you

JADE: ok! so they did stab me!!

ROXY: after kissing you

JADE: yes that also happened! that was indeed a thing that happened!!!

Jade is turning red and it would be really cute if time wasn't so tight right now. Like, it absolutely is still really cute.

DAVEPETA: B33 < in my defense i had a reason! to stab her i mean? she n33ded to wake up

ROXY: and the kiss?

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay so that was DAVEPETA: B33 < beclawse i

A sharp piercing whistle sounds from the kitchen. Jade winces, her canine ears flattening against her head. Davepeta's feathers ruffle. Calliope walks in carrying a tray.

CALLIOPE: tea's done! i hope i didn't miss anything!

ROXY: yeah hey not much just dpets coming in here saying they knocked out dirk who was doing some metanarrative puppetfuckery or whatever NBD

CALLIOPE: oh, great! i'm glad that mess is sorted! i thought the narrative felt a bit less--

Calliope clears their throat.

CALLIOPE: well, you know!

ROXY: no?? no i def dont know?! i have no idea what in the absolute fuck is happening

CALLIOPE: i'll explain later, love. so, who had control of things now? i'm not really familiar with--

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah thatd be me I guess look id love to go over the nitty kitty here but i really n33d to talk to jade about  
DAVEPETA: B33 < well stuff really

JADE: you keep saying that

Davepeta pinches the bridge of their nose and takes a breath. How many distractions and outbursts could happen in a row, anyway? This shouldn't be so hard.

DAVEPETA: B33 < look jade i want to give--

ROXY: no cmon dont leave me in the dark? wat do i need to do to get a recap here?

CALLIOPE: oh, of course! sorry, how inconsiderate of me!

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay for real what the fuck like are you doing this on purpose or

Roxy and Calliope look at Davepeta, brows furrowed.

ROXY: doing what lol

CALLIOPE: davepeta, are you alright? are you sure dirk didn't hit you in the head?

Jade rustles some papers, sorting through her presentation and shuffling the papers in proper order in midair.

CALLIOPE: oh, that's right! jade! you were in the middle of something. please, continue.

Roxy winces.

ROXY: babe really i mean we are already pretty decided

Jade tries not to look like she heard that and clears her throat. Davepeta looks between the three of them with a look of consternation.

JADE: finally! thank you! anyway as i was saying…  
JADE: i…  
JADE: i………

The slides and papers droop before falling to the floor.

ROXY: jade?

They're stalling. Davepeta is stalling because they know Jade could screw it all up.

DAVEPETA: B33 < what thats not fucking true

Jade reels a bit.

JADE: ...i'm okay JADE: i should probably sit down

ROXY: callie can u get jade a water please?

It's hardwired into Dave Strider to doubt Jade, to worry she won't screw things up. To know that he is going to have to swoop in and save her. And if it's hardwired into Dave, it's hardwired into Davepeta.

DAVEPETA: B33 < what the fuck!!!

Now they're making a scene. Everyone is staring at them as they seemingly yell at nothing. After showing up and confessing to assaulting Dirk, too. It would probably be best to laugh it off and run out the clock.

Roxy walks Jade toward a chair as her head lolls forward a bit, eyes losing a bit of their light. Davepeta should help Jade in a more tangible way.

DAVEPETA: B33 < run out the clock  
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh you piece of shit fucking show yourself

Looks of concern are on everyone's faces. Distracted from Jade, who quickly seems to be los--

DAVEPETA: B33 < did you lock me out of narration  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you fur real right now

Jade's feet start to dr--

DAVEPETA: B33 < nope!!!! whatever dumb thing youre saying doesnt actually happen

CALLIE: davepeta?

ROXY: can you mayb chill out dude?

DAVEPETA: B33 < no im not going to

They do air quotes.

DAVEPETA: B33 < chill out

The air quotes are finished.

DAVEPETA: B33 < because we are all being played here  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and i dont get why since i took care of Dirk

They put air quotes around 'took--

DAVEPETA: B33 < no i did NOT! i did not put air quotes around took care of making it s33m like i actually killed him which would set roxy into a rage and attack me which would either take me out of the picture or at least furce me into a retreat which either way allows you to take over jades body

do not--

DAVEPETA: B33 < there we go  
DAVEPETA: B33 < there you are  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are we going to talk about this then or what

ROXY: callie any idea what tf is going on currently?

Callie looks away and coughs.

ROXY: callie?

DAVEPETA: B33 < stop narrating and just pause things and let me in

fine.

thank you oh my god  
fur real though what are you doing

i am giving myself a vessel so that i may stop the prince.

_I_ stopped the prince!! capital i and italicize that shit for emphasis

the prince yet lives. you have done nothing.

he is knocked out  and tied up on a floor

temporarily.

yes temporarily  and maybe if you didnt k33p stalling me then you would s33 my plan takes his influence out of the picture

i will not take that risk.

okay that is bullshit  beclawse if it was really just about dirk you would narrate rose awake and get her to just kill him

that is an idea.

it is a shitty idea!!

rose, angered by her father's undue influence over her, and feeling betrayed by a parental figure once more, grabs the wrench and uses every ounce of her weakened strength to lift it high above her head… no, no… this could work.

rose wouldnt kill dirk and you cant exert enough control over her to do so  
which is why youre taking over jade because youre both space players and you have an in because of it

yes. which i will get back to doing now so that i may stop the prince.

why though! hes stopped! this isnt even the canon timeline or dubiously canon or whatever  
youre making me get more meta than im comfortable with to point this out because theres no way i can fight you  
physically or textually  
making a hail mary pass through the hoop here by showing you that what matters here doesnt really matter in the big picture because the prince already succ33ded elsewhere  
so what happens here doesnt matter to the only story you actually care about

hmm.

you know im right  
you know that in the grand scheme of things this doesnt really matter to you  
but  
but  
i think you know what i plan on doing and i think you want to s33 how that turns out  
because youre a writer  
youre creative  
thats something we have in clawmon and you think the shit im about to do might be interesting 

hmm.

and nobody wants what were doing right now  
two narrators being meta at each other especially when one is just going hmm

fine.

fine?  what is fine

do your thing. i will step back and allow it. i do like jade.

yeah well  you have a shitty way of showing it

i do what i need to do. my feelings do not enter into it.

k33p telling yourself that

go.

Jade suddenly finds her footing and stands up.

ROXY: r u ok?

JADE: haha yeah i dunno what that was! too many graphs i think?

CALLIE: do yoU still want that water?

JADE: no im fine! look you both dont care about these statistics right? im wasting my time?

ROXY: what noooo

JADE: roxy

ROXY: ok look im THRILLED to hang out with u and im p sure callie is like chufed to bits but yeah i dunno  
ROXY: i dont think i understand what austerity is  
ROXY: i hated simcity and i do not get this economic political stuff but i do know youre asking me to come out against my bff  
ROXY: am i thrilled with janeys campaign eff no  
ROXY: but maybe shell like come to her senses  
ROXY: i have to beleive that as she is my as previously menched bff

JADE: but what if she doesnt??

ROXY: the election isnt for a while n i didnt say im voting for her  
ROXY: i just dont want to make a public statement saying she sux and im hitching my hores to karkat

JADE: your what?

ROXY: u heard me

They both laugh. Davepeta clears their throat.

DAVEPETA: B33 < not to intpurrupt but im still here and time is of the essence  
DAVEPETA: B33 < jade can you please come with me because i n33d to talk to you about something huge

Jade stares at them, then looks to the others. They shrug.

JADE: uh yeah okay

Davepeta takes her hand and they're gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I'm sorry this took so long. Thanks to those of you who stuck around, and thanks to new readers. And those who didn't stick around but found their way back here. I appreciate you all. I hope to not have a gap this long again


	9. The Chapter Where the Plan Comes to Fruition, the Olympic Torch is Passed

DAVEPETA: B33 < whats your earliest memory

JADE: what?

Jade isn't paying much attention, looking over at a bound and knocked out Dirk Strider. And an unconscious Rose Lalonde who looks frail enough that a breeze could send her blowing away. Probably not the best location for this conversation.

DAVEPETA: B33 < your earliest memory

JADE: oh uh i guess when i shot my grandpa?

DAVEPETA: B33 < which isnt exactly true right  
DAVEPETA: B33 < what happened there again

Jade frowns.

JADE: why are you bringing this up?

They don't answer, doing a little rotation of their hand, as if to say 'go on.' She sighs.

JADE: i accidentally fired a gun and tavros took control of bec and made it so the bullet went into grandpa  
JADE: there is that better?

DAVEPETA: B33 < and that led to

JADE: him dying??

DAVEPETA: B33 < no i mean--

JADE: what do you mean?? arent we on some sort of time crunch here??? in this room full of our unconscious friends! which is pretty unnerving to say the least!! you obviously have somewhere youre going with this so instead of asking really bad leading questions so that i what? reach some big fucking epiphany? you just say what you have to say

Davepeta blinks.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah okay sorry  
DAVEPETA: B33 < have a seat

Jade heads over toward the workbench, grabbing the chair.

DAVEPETA: B33 < no wait not there!!

JADE: what why nWAIT IS THIS BLOOD??

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah  
DAVEPETA: B33 < a little  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean its not a lot  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the connector for the rosebot arm had a sharp edge but i patched him up and im pretty much entirely sure he doesnt have a concussion

Jade opts not to sit, ears flat against her head.

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay  
DAVEPETA: B33 < anyway  
DAVEPETA: B33 < tavros and not you killed your grandpa  
DAVEPETA: B33 < which then started a path of you being raised by a magic science dog god alone on an island  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you slept a lot right?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < was that your doing or

JADE:

DAVEPETA: B33 < jade that wasnt rhetorical please humor me a little here

JADE: vriska  
DAVEPETA: B33 < r--  


JADE: im going to throw a tarp or something over him this is just making me feel so uncomfortable

Jade grabs a tarp with her space powers, unfolding it and draping it over Di--

JADE: nope! that makes him look more like a corpse!! the tarp was a bad idea

The tarp is gone.

DAVEPETA: B33 < so you were put to sl33p a lot by vriskers (wait shit im not calling her that) which led you to spend a lot of time on purrospit where because of circumstances john was always asl33p and you nefur got to hang out with him  
DAVEPETA: B33 < skip ahead to the game and efurryone is off doing wild video game shit while you make items and br33d frogs

JADE: the frogs were important

DAVEPETA: B33 < im not saying they werent but you have to admit it wasnt very exciting  
DAVEPETA: B33 < until you were once again manipmewlated into shooting someone else you care about

JADE: davepeta right now you are doing two things  
JADE: one is leading me down a very painful path of shitty memories without even giving me the slightest hint as to why  
JADE: two is making terrible fucking cat puns  
JADE: you have to pick one  
JADE: you can NOT do both

Davepeta continues without puns. She completes her frog quest and then dies by shaving cream. She goes god tier and does some cool space stuff and is basically a Transporter Helper Ride Service by Crockercorp driver to usher everyone into the other universe.

Where she pretty much immediately gets mind controlled and turned grimbark.

JADE: what about rose? rose went grimdark before! should i wake her up for this part or what?

DAVEPETA: B33 < rose kind of went down that path on her own  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you werent afforded that luxury

Davepeta continues. Immediately after getting knocked out of grimbark she gets crushed by a house.

JADE: okay yes that all sucks! but so what? it didnt matter because  
JADE: hold on wait i mean a lot of that didnt even happen to me  
JADE: well not ME me

Okay. Well fine. On the RollUp, the Ride-Hailing App Brought to you by Fruit Roll-Ups, a Subsidiary of Crockercorp trip that this Jade took, Typheus killed Davesprite and John, because of important reasons, and she was once again alone. Grimbark again, but then she gets put to sleep by Vriska. Again.

Where the plan is to basically keep her out of the way of everyone in the final battle. Until a really cool and amazing sprite everyone loves wakes her up.

JADE: oh my god

And she is nearly immediately knocked out again until everyone is ready to go to Earth C.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and here we are  
DAVEPETA: B33 < do you see what im getting at here jade

JADE: that i had a shitty childhood?  
JADE: that my life has sucked a lot and that i seem pretty entwined with the concept of loneliness??  
JADE: i mean other people definitely have it worse and im pretty glad ive made it through for sure

DAVEPETA: B33 < you spent most of your time leading up to and in the game either asl33p or mind controlled or alone or doing shit solely to k33p the rest of us on a path

JADE: important stuff!!

DAVEPETA: B33 < yes very!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but jade you are so incredibly smart  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and cool  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and strong and powerful and funny and  
DAVEPETA: B33 < just great!!!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and the narrative has just treated you so shitty jade

Jade squints. One canine ear perks up while the other stays flat. She tilts her head just lightly. Jade Harley inhales, goes to speak, stops herself, exhales in a long sigh, closes her eyes and tilts her head down, takes off her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose.

She puts her glasses back on, tilts her head back up again to look at Davepeta as she opens her eyes, inhales again.

JADE: theres not a fucking narrative davepeta  
JADE: this isnt a story and we arent characters with narrative arcs  
JADE: were people with lives and sometimes life sucks and isnt fair  
JADE: and i dont know too much about video games but we were in one  
JADE: and from what roxy told me and what ive picked up from playing some not everyone gets to be a mario?  
JADE: jumping on turtles and saving a princess from a larger turtle  
JADE: sometimes youre a luigi and you are alone in someone elses big empty house haunted by ghosts  
JADE: and you vacuum the ghosts  
JADE: and maybe youre not saving a princess from a big turtle

DAVEPETA: B33 < bowser

JADE: i dont care right now  
JADE: but maybe luigi doesnt fight bowser  
JADE: but luigi does save mario who went to this big haunted house first because he didnt believe that luigi could handle himself

DAVEPETA: B33 < was that the plot of luigis mansion i honestly forget if that game has a plot

JADE: yes that was the plot they all have plots

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay i believe you but jade we absolutely have narratives can i ask a few questions

JADE: can i stop you?

DAVEPETA: B33 < yes definitely or you could teleport away or whatever  
DAVEPETA: B33 < did i tell you all the stuff that happened in your life  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont mean did i talk about every aspect of your life i just mean did i say it

JADE: yes??? just now!

DAVEPETA: B33 < okay but did i? did i say things to you out loud? we had a full conversation about it?? after you told me to stop catpunning

JADE: …

DAVEPETA: B33 < personal question do you have a tail

JADE: what???

DAVEPETA: B33 < not a hard question dont think on it do you have a tail??

JADE: davepeta what the ACTUAL FUCK!!

DAVEPETA: B33 < do you have a tail jade???  
DAVEPETA: B33 < does it swish back and forth as you take a d33p breath of fresh air?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < does it move your skirt as it swishes exposing a scandalous amount of thigh?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < do you own pants with tail holes cut out?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < can i s33 your tail jade???

JADE: davepeta im not going to--

DAVEPETA: B33 < at least answer me this  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you currently thinking that of course you dont have a tail? that its a ridiculous question? youve never ever had a tail?? but a small part of you one hundred purrcent knows you have a tail???  
DAVEPETA: B33 < if you reached back and grabbed where a tail would be do you know for certain if one would be there  
DAVEPETA: B33 < or do you need something intangible that you cant quite identify to infurm you about the status of your own ass

JADE: i fucking hate this! why dont i know if i have a tail??

DAVEPETA: B33 < because the narrative sucks jade  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the story has been really shitty to you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < the creators the narrators whatever you want to say  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean its been all of us like dont even get me started on nepeta  
DAVEPETA: B33 < or damara or honestly like ten out of twelve of the beforus trolls  
DAVEPETA: B33 < feferi shit these are like all girls huh wow that probably means something but im getting off track  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dont get me wrong jake gets screwed over pretty badly and even ugh gamz33 honestly  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but its not over for you stuff is still going on

Davepeta explains how John recruited a teen Jade to go fight Lord English and she not only got killed but also possessed by Calliope. And another Jade ends up driving a wedge between Dave and Karkat, and Dave fucks off to become a robot by the hand of Dubious Obama Hologram, who is probably Dirk, or at least created by Dirk. And this Jade, she gets possessed by Calliope, too. And tranquilized at one point. In fact, Calliope was about to knock her out, which is why she felt woozy back there.

JADE: do you really expect me to believe that?

DAVEPETA: B33 < its true  
DAVEPETA: B33 < calliope i know i asked you to back off but can i get a confurmation here like can you tell jade you were definitely about to do some bullshit nonsense??

i will not agree to it being bullshit nonsense. it was a sound plan that may not be necessary in this instance.

JADE: shit

DAVEPETA: B33 < but its true though

jade clearly believes you. she is not stupid.

JADE: …

DAVEPETA: B33 < thank you so yeah jade there are just so many jades all getting a raw deal here so--

JADE: i know

DAVEPETA: B33 < you know

JADE: i KNOW about the JADES!!! therere so many jades davepeta! i know! how could i not know?  
JADE: my aspect is space! ive been to dreambubbles! i have traveled between universes!! im part first guardian im part sprite i KNOW  
JADE: i just dont like THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!

DAVEPETA: B33 < wh

JADE: so many dead jades  
JADE: divorced jades  
JADE: widowed jades abandoned jades deluded jades  
JADE: lonely broken devastated jades  
JADE: ones who never leave the island and never meet their friends  
JADE: jades who stay grimbark or heiresses or possessed or controlled  
JADE: so many FUCKED UP JADES!  
JADE: and all i can do is look at them and say wow im glad im not them  
JADE: im glad the bullshit ive been through isnt THAT BAD!! wow haha!

Jade's fist smashes down on a nearby tool cart, denting and bending the metal frame. A few screwdrivers clatter to the floor.

JADE: and there are cool happy jades!  
JADE: happily married jades with happy families!  
JADE: cool old scientist jades raising grandsons on desert islands or younger scientist jades leading wild lives of progress and conquest  
JADE: jades in loving poly relationships  
JADE: globetrotting goddess jades!  
JADE: jades living with johns or junes and helping each other and coping and being siblings!!!  
JADE: jades who are thriving and alive and have things that i dont! that i maybe never will!! and it burns me up davepeta!!! it fucking burns me up! because why cant that be me?? why do those jades get to be so lucky??? but i just got done saying im lucky right? because im not those OTHER other jades??? isnt that selfish of me? i hate feeling that way  
JADE: so yes davepeta i know about the other jades…  
JADE: i just wish i didnt  
JADE: and i really wish i didnt have to think about how it all comes down to being narrated by dirk or calliope or you or whoever!!  
JADE: and who is what writing them narrating it i guess???  
JADE: how it all comes down to getting someone wanting to tell a story where im happy and the people i care about are happy and i dont have to deal with tragedy and misery and death and whoever is running things right now--  
JADE: presumably you davepeta?? are you the narrator currently?

They nod.

JADE: you still havent even informed me on if i have a FUCKING TAIL OR NOT!!!!!!!!

Davepeta furrows their brow and waits to make sure they should speak.

DAVEPETA: B33 < then dont depend on me to tell you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats why i pulled you away and wanted to talk to you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < to tell you that you should take the narrative and control what happens to you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dirks out of the running and calliopes backed off and i want to just let go of the reins and let you drive this train  
DAVEPETA: B33 < make your own future choose your own goddamn adventure

Their wings fluff up a bit as they keep talking.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i like you jade i like you a lot im comprised of two people who thought very highly of you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < one of whom messed up badly with you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i want you to be happy and have the life you want to have  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean i guess within the limits of things that have already happened? i want you to lead the best life you as this jade can lead  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like maybe you wont be as happy as the jade you envy most but on the buzzf33d listicle of the top infinity jade harleys organized by how good their life is youll move up a decent number of spots  
DAVEPETA: B33 < so uh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < what do you think???

Jade Harley stands there in thought. It was a lot to think about. So much that it distracts her from the thrumming pain her hand from hitting that tool cart. So many possibilities. So much choice. So much responsibility. And is this even real? Can she really have what she wants? Do what she wants? Take the narrative and just get self-indulgent? She looks at Davesprite. She's made a decision.

Jade Harley's tail starts to wag.


	10. Things Are Going to Happen Soon, Really. I'm Not Stalling. Maybe You Are.

The front door to Jake English's spacious mansion is unceremoniously kicked open. Jade Harley would have used the knob, but she had an unconscious Rose Lalonde in her arms, bridal carry style. She had considered hefting her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes with a wasting disease but that felt a bit too… disrespectful.

Jake English is not expecting guests, clearly, dressed in a pair of black boxers with what looks like little green skulls, guns, and pot leafs patterned all over them, and an open green satin robe. His hand is wrapped in a stranglehold around the neck of a bottle of brown liquor, and despite his sudden shock, he doesn't let go of it.

JAKE: Dir--wait jade! Hells bells jade! You gave my ticker a real jumpstart there. I do think i skipped a whole measure of beats there! And rose! Goodness gracious and a gee she looks *terrible*. Is she off the wagon again? She looks absolutely lost in the sauce!

JADE: jake

JAKE: Hells a-poppin! Where are my manners! Would you like a drink? Oh maybe not in present company. Seems a bit rude. I think i have some 7up or cranberry juice or. Hmm. I might be out of OJ actually. Blast. Oh!

Jake looks down at himself.

JAKE: I should at least grab a pair of pants. Let me grab some pants.

DAVEPETA: B33 < beep beep coming through

Jade jolts a bit and steps a few feet to the right, clearing room for Davepeta with a wheelbarrow full of Dirk Strider slowly regaining consciousness.

JAKE: DIRK!

This time he drops the bottle. Halfway down, it's enveloped in green space energy and sat gently on the floor.

JAKE: What *happened* to you? What *happened* to him? Why is he tied up? I cant say i havent thought of--jake now is not the time and not in front of present company. But really someone hand me a map compass and star chart because im beyond lost.

DIRK: Nooooo…

JADE: jake

DAVEPETA: B33 < hes fine  
DAVEPETA: B33 < he got a bit fresh and a robot slapped him

Jake's hands are all over Dirk, touching his face, his arms, a look of worry on his face.

JAKE: I have a first aid kit in the guest bathroom. Oh and a bigger one in the kitchen. Maybe i should just phone up the medico yeah? Dirk how many fingers am i holding up?

The answer is three. Which is also the number of seconds until…

JADE: JAKE!!!

His head snaps upward and then swiftly turns to look at her.

JAKE: You dont have to shout jade! Im about four feet from you.

JADE: jake  
JADE: jake look just focus please  
JADE: dirk has gone very morally dubious okay? not quite evil but certainly not good  
JADE: hes been manipulating everyone and controlling the narrative and yes i know youre about to ask what i mean by narrative and i barely know myself so please do not  
JADE: but he was going to upload rose into a robot and then go to space to--davepeta?

DAVEPETA: B33 < start another game of sburb on another planet

JADE: god thats so fucking stupid!

JAKE: Uhh… this is a lot to take in everyone.

JADE: then ill cut to the chase  
JADE: i need two things from you  
JADE: item number one is i need you to keep an eye on dirk  
JADE: for two reasons  
JADE: reason one  
JADE: no  
JADE: reason a is that surely he's not done his bullshit! he is definitely plotting something and looking for the first opportunity to turn this all around and get the upper hand

JAKE: Im absolutely chuffed that you think Im the man for the job jade. But do you really think thats a banger of an idea?

Jade holds a hand up.

JADE: reason b is suicide watch

JAKE: Suicide watch?

JADE: davepeta?

DAVEPETA: B33 < dude is suffering from something past depurression  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like depression plus  
DAVEPETA: B33 < hes barely holding it together and basically if his plans dont pan out dirk wastes no time in finding something tall to jump off of and a way to uncork himself like a bottle of sparkling wine  
DAVEPETA: B33 < id provide examples but that would be hellaciously disrespectful  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and would break universe hopping cool cat dipshit confidentiality

They pause.

DAVEPETA: B33 < like doctor patient  
DAVEPETA: B33 < not that im a coolcat dipshit like put a slash in there

They all get it.

JADE: davepeta thank you…  
JADE: but yes that sums it up

JAKE: But really. Are you sure no one else is better suited for the job? Maybe ro--okay well shucks not rose. Jane? They were political partners after all and doing a real humdinger of a wizzbang job on top of that.

Davepeta and Jade share a look.

JAKE: No? Well. What about dave?

Jade winces.

JAKE: No again? Whats john been up to?

Davepeta and Jade both wince. It looks like they are in actual physical pain.

JAKE: Blimey! Should I even suggest roxy? Is this task really falling on top of my broad and muscular shoulders? Just print me out a nametag that says *atlas* i suppose then.

DIRK: Hmm, he doesn't seem to want to do it. Maybe you should just let me go.

JAKE: No no! Ill do it. Ill rise to the occasion im sure. I just need some coffee maybe some toast. And i really should be getting some pants on.

Everyone knew that as soon as Jade and Davepeta left, Dirk would be free. Jake can't help but listen to anything Dirk says, just eat out or the palm of his hand like the beast that he is.

DAVEPETA: B33 < efurryone knew that as soon as jade and davepeta left dirk would be free

DIRK: Hey.

DAVEPETA: B33 < jake cant help but listen to anything dirk says just eat--

DIRK: Enough! Fuck.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i cant believe you really thought that shit would fly dude oh my god im right here  
DAVEPETA: B33 < jade is right here

DIRK: What does Jade have to--no. Are you kidding me? I refuse.

DAVEPETA: B33 < you can refuse all you want but

Bark bark, motherfucker.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im actually handing things off to her when were done here  
DAVEPETA: B33 < figure ill make a nest here and k33p an eye on you and help jake out  
DAVEPETA: B33 < if thats cool with jake

JAKE: Well i mean. Hospitality is my middle name. I certainly have the room.

DIRK: You're what?

DAVEPETA: B33 < staying to help babysit

DIRK: No. I don't care about that. Whatever. You're just letting her take the narrative? Full offense, Jade.

JADE: none taken

DIRK: My plans? My machinations? My full effort being put into keeping us in some kind of relevance. Keeping us somewhere in the realm of canon? We are just tossing that all in the garbage. Just slamdunking that in the trash bin in favor of… of what? Jade Harley's Bullshit Yiff Party? Jesus Christ. She has a tail now. Is everyone else just not seeing the tail? Are we just ignoring the tail?

JADE: the tail is cute!

DAVEPETA: B33 < the tail is cute shes right

JAKE: Oh! I like the tail. It really ties the whole theme together. I never really noticed how it seemed like something was missing--dog ears but no tail. Cheers!

DAVEPETA: B33 < plus didnt you narrate her tail into a state of semi existence??  
DAVEPETA: B33 < no one even thought about jade having one until you put it in your descriptive text

DIRK: Yes, as a joke. Because she is a--

JAKE: You know what? Im going to put a little elbow grease into getting a few rooms ready. Maybe make up a little breakfast. Lunch? Lets say late brunch. How does everyone take their eggs? You know what? I only know to to do a scramble anyway so lets just go with that! Dirk davepeta make yourselves at home. Jade congratulations on your tail and your yiff party or what have you!

JADE: jake wait  
JADE: the second thing i need from you  
JADE: i promise its much less complicated

JAKE: Yes of course sure. Not to rush you though but id really like to go to *any* room but this one honestly.

JADE: i need a ship  
JADE: a fast one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Davepeta fans. Not sure when we'll be hearing from them again. I love them, but I'm going to be happy only having to change text color to one color per character and not two.


	11. Tangled_Friends:_Lament_of_the_Deep_[VHS_Rip](Fansubs by xXVegetaZeroXx)_[480p]-(Part 1 of 8).wmv

Growing up, Jade Harley only ever really recalls watching one anime. Did you know that Squiddles was based off of a semi-popular Japanese series? She doesn't want to butcher the pronunciation and doesn't quite remember the spelling, but it basically translated to Tangled Friends. Jade didn't know until she had joined a forum when she was nine. She was so scared they would find out that she wasn't really 13 and she'd get in trouble and arrested or her grandpa would take away Internet privileges.

But then she'd realize she was on an island in the middle of the ocean and they couldn't stop her.

ROSE: Hnn…

Squiddles: The Movie was a direct to VHS release and was in fact an edited version of the third Tangled Friends movie, Tangled Friends: Lament of the Deep, where they put in a new opening sequence, edited a few scenes for content (more on that later), rewrote most of the script so it fit in with the American version of the show, and colored Skipper Plumbthroat's first mate Poppy's legs so it looked like she was wearing leggings. Young Jade always really liked the movie and hardly noticed the fact that the art looked different, and frankly better.

But the forums would talk about the Japanese version and everything that was different, and how the Japanese show was way better. Well, not the original series from the 1970s, but definitely the reboot from the mid-'80s. And someone posted a link to a dubiously legal fansub that someone ripped from a VHS and uploaded in eight 10-minute chunks on a Squiddles fansite.

ROSE: Hello?

That night, Jade watched the movie. The songs were better, even if she couldn't understand the words. But besides that? She hated it. The story was confusing and the characters were different and it didn't make any sense. And Sea Dreamer didn't get sent to the Dark Dimension, only to be said to be safe in a narrated epilogue. No. Sea Dreamer died. And the ending where Tropic Topaz looks up at the sky all hopeful before it fades to a shot of the ocean? She breaks down crying over the death of her friend! It was bullshit! Jade cried her eyes out that night.

When she went on the forums to talk about her opinions, she was told she just didn't get it. She was immature. She liked the baby show for little kids. Which, yes, she was a little kid! But that had nothing to do with it. Maybe Jade Harley just liked happy stories where nobody has to die. Why can't friends go on a fun adventure and why can't the stakes be not so incredibly high?

ROSE: Dirk?

Jade Harley gets up from the captain's seat of the currently unnamed ship, not at risk of colliding with anything. She has on a green bandana with a black dog skull and crossbones, a captain's coat over a white and green striped crop top, a black skirt (with tail hole), and a big black pair of pirate-y boots. Dirk's plan might have been tremendously stupid and morally pretty evil, but Jade did like the parts about taking a spaceship and dressing like an anime character. And taking Rose with her. After all, when was the last time they really had some time to talk?

JADE: nope!! :D  
JADE: not quite!

Rose, still groggy from a long and unnatural sleep, stares up at Jade. Then she looks at her hands. They aren't metal. The relief on her face is clear.

No it isn't. Relief might be there, but it isn't clear. There are a lot of emotions on Rose Lalonde's face as she fights to sort through and hide all of them.

ROSE: Ah.

That's all she manages at first. She finds a bottle of water Jade left out for her, pops the cap off, and drains about a third of it.

ROSE: And where is Dirk?

JADE: with jake and davepeta kind of in timeout  
JADE: rose you would not believe the shady stuff he was up to!! :O

ROSE: Oh, you mean like helping me through my debilitating condition and reach my Ultimate Self?

JADE: im pretty new to the ultimate self thing but i think whatever was wrong with you dirk was the cause  
JADE: given that you seem kind of fully recovered

A flash of… something on her face. Anger? That doesn't make sense.

ROSE: Ah.

The silence is awkward and palpable.

JADE: so

ROSE: Why are we in space, then? We are in space, yes? This is a spaceship? If I'm not mistaken.

It is indeed a spaceship. The fastest one in Jake's collection, originally meant for the military industrial machine or a jetsetting billionaire or whoever the highest bidder would end up being. As such, it is sleek, fast, and comfortable. And as of now unnamed.

JADE: yep! its all part of the plan :D

ROSE: What. Plan. This isn't my plan, Jade! This isn't what… this isn't what I was planning on waking up to.

Rose is unhappy. Yes. That's true. Annoyed. Disappointed? She feels ill. And not just because hunger is catching up to her. Jade opens up a compartment between the pilot and co-pilot seats and grabs a pack of cheese sandwich crackers. She walks over and places it in front of Rose, who just stares at it for a moment.

JADE: what were you expecting??? to be a robot?

ROSE: Maybe. And maybe not. Or to be home or in a hospital bed. Or not. But I can't say I was expecting to not be in those places and not be a robot, Jade. It's disorienting.

Rose has a knack for somehow being incredibly cryptic even when being surprisingly candid. Jade furrows her brow, and Rose succumbs to the siren song of the cracker snack pack.

JADE: yes sure but you seem--

ROSE: I'm fine.

JADE: you dont seem--

ROSE: I'm fine. Please fly us home.

JADE: well that isnt quite what…

Jade stops herself, expecting to be interrupted.

JADE: i mean i was kind of hoping that we could--

ROSE: I really don't care, Jade. I want to go home.

There it is. Jade stands there, wordlessly for a moment, glancing at the captain's seat. Then it happens. It hits her.

JADE: youre mad youre not a robot arent you? youre mad youre not on your way to some other planet like dirk wanted

ROSE: What?

No, Jade is on to something. She feels it.

JADE: oh my god no you are! rose you… you wanted to be a robot??

That isn't quite it.

ROSE: I was prepared to accept that possibility. And prepared to accept none of this happening.

JADE: bullshit

ROSE: Excuse me?

JADE: you were hoping for it i think  
JADE: because thats kind of what you do right?

Rose scoffs.

ROSE: Are you analyzing me right now? Don't go down this road, Jade. It's not going to end well.

JADE: no no no look JADE: you what  
JADE: you do everything you can to end up going grimdark despite how many of us telling you to be careful  
JADE: you all but jump at the chance to go on a wild suicide mission with the tumor  
JADE: you spent how much of sburb dismantling every piece you could touch

ROSE: Jade.

JADE: youre always running always changing  
JADE: always trying to reach some new level of--

ROSE: Jade!  
ROSE: What were you expecting here, exactly?  
ROSE: Me to wake up, saved from the terrible fate of a new level of insight and ability, rescued by you from an incredible journey where I get to shape an entire new game? And what, Jade? Just be so excited, giddy, to be on your…  
ROSE: What even is this?  
ROSE: Bullshit escapist anime cosplay space pirate pretend time adventure?  
ROSE: You want to talk about my constant desire to change myself? To constantly be in search of something new and better?  
ROSE: How about we talk about how you need to grow up?  
ROSE: How is it going with Dave and Karkat, Jade? Is clinging desperately to your teenaged crushes working out well for you? Knowing that you are stagnating along with them in a pool of resentment, having to rush off on some globetrotting adventure. But always making sure you aren't gone too long, aren't too happy with wherever else you end up on one of your escapades because god forbid you move on to something different, Jade!

Jade recoils, admitting that there's a lot of truth in those barbs.

ROSE: Why, Jade? Why do you do this to yourself?

Rose's phone rings. She ignores it.

ROSE: Are you so scared of being alone, of losing your new status quo, that you cling to it all, despite slowly strangling the life out of it? While its sharp exterior digs into you? It isn't sustainable, Jade!

Rose's phone rings again. She picks it up. Kanaya is calling. Rose sets it down.

JADE: who is it?

ROSE: You know who it is. She can wait. We are talking. That's what you wanted, right? A fun little space diversion. A chance for us to talk. Well, here we are, Jade! We are talking! Which we haven't done in forever because, what, our lives got in the way?

JADE: youre busy

ROSE: Oh, do not pin this on me, Jade. I am not busy. Not more than anyone else. Except maybe your housemates. What do you even like about them?

JADE: i love them! theyre my best friends

ROSE: How? Why? What do you like about them? What do you like about Dave? What do you like about Karkat? And most importantly, what in the name of anything do you like about the two of them together, Jade?

Jade freezes, mind racing, trying to grasp at an answer. She's caught off guard and can't think of anything.

ROSE: Are they attractive?

JADE: well yeah

ROSE: No, scratch that. Are you attracted to them?

Is she? Dave is attractive, right? Like objectively. And Karkat has qualities to him. If they did more laundry and at least cracked open a window to air out the room. Grooming isn't exactly a priority for them. They never really go anywhere. Or do anything. Jade has tried, but. But a lack of motivation isn't ugly, it just would be nice if they put in some effort. Into anything. Sure, they had a lot to do during the game and she guesses they feel like they've earned the downtime. Which, yes, sure, of course. And maybe Jade spends more time trying to get them to get closer with each other rather than get close herself, but that. She just. She flirts with them. But only because they get flustered. Does she want to make out with Dave? Does she want to be intimate with Karkat? Maybe not, no…

Besides. She's in their way. And they. They didn't treat her that great before. Dave always doubted her abilities, her competence. Karkat… did Jade just think he was going the being mean because he liked her thing from television? Is that what he was doing? What was she doing? Why was… any of this her life? Whatever face she's making by the end of this train of thought must say it all.

ROSE: Exactly.

JADE: shit  
JADE: am i gay?

Rose laughs. An actual, surprised, genuine laugh.

ROSE: I have no idea, Jade.

She pauses.

ROSE: Who are you attracted to?

Jade Harley stares. This feels like a distraction. Or a trick. A ruse. Anything to distance the conversation from Rose and her issues. But at the same time, it is a good question. Well, wait, is it? Jade has had… encounters. Good ones.

JADE: i mean a lot of people  
JADE: and trolls  
JADE: carapacians  
JADE: just a mix

ROSE: Okay, that's valid. Let's go down a different path. Who do you like? Are any of these attractions potential partners? Do you have any crushes? I'm starting to feel like Dave and Karkat aren't in that list.

Jade has crushes, sure. But partners? Like, who Jade likes? Likes likes? Could see herself with? Who's still alive? Oh.

JADE: lets not talk about this

ROSE: No?

JADE: yeah lets not! plus we were already talking about something! you!

ROSE: You should have moved in with us.

Rose's phone rings again. She hangs up.

JADE: what?

ROSE: You wasted how much time feeling resented and awkward in a house that consistently smells like old Hot Pockets, when you could have lived with us.

JADE: what with you and kanaya?

ROSE: Yes, with me and Kanaya.  
ROSE: We would have loved to have you.

They did offer. But everyone did. John did, and she actually stayed with John for a bit, but she eventually felt like she was getting in the way of his self isolating. Roxy and Calliope offered, but Jade just kind of felt like they didn't want her there either. Dave and Karkat at least didn't feel busy. She didn't think she'd be in the way there.

God, she was so fucking dumb.

JADE: would you have stayed then?

Rose stares, caught off guard by the question. She stammers.

JADE: rose

ROSE: No.

JADE: no?? then why even bring it up?

ROSE: Kanaya would have at least still had someone.

Jade's phone rings. She answers it.


	12. Bullshit Yiff Party is Actually Really Funny, and Jade is Going to Use It Unironically to Spite Dirk

JADE: oh uh hello maryam

Rose knew it would obviously be Kanaya calling but for some reason she didn't expect Jade to pick up.

KANAYA: Jade  
KANAYA: I Apologize In Advance If I Come Off As Rude But I Would Like To Skip The Pleasantries And Ask You Outright  
KANAYA: Do You Know Where The Fuck My Wife Is

JADE: uh yes actually

KANAYA: Wonderful  
KANAYA: Because She Is Not At Home And Also Not Answering Her Phone  
KANAYA: Which As I Am Sure You Understand Is Very Worrying Given Her Condition

Jade perks up a bit, tail wagging a little.

JADE: oh!! good news!  
JADE: shes better!

KANAYA: Ah That Is Great News  
KANAYA: I Suppose Now Would Be A Good Time To Loop Back To The Previous Topic  
KANAYA: Which Is Again Where The Fuck My Wife Is  
KANAYA: Which Sounds Perhaps A Little Aggressive Now That I Know She Is Better And Yet I Am Sticking With It  
KANAYA: Probably Because I Feel Like Maybe Someone Should Have Told Me About Rose Recovering  
KANAYA: Are You Having A Human Meal Together

Kanaya clearly tries to lighten the mood by calling something mundane a human thing.

JADE: no we are actually  
JADE: in space

KANAYA: Space

JADE: yes space

KANAYA:  
KANAYA:  
KANAYA: Like On A Spaceship

JADE: yes we are on a spaceship

Kanaya takes a breath and her irritation is obvious. Jade feels bad.

KANAYA: Why

JADE: why? i mean i guess i wanted to do this whole thing where i  
JADE: well its not important it isnt going like i thought  
JADE: and im sorry i didnt really think about how you would react like i was going to call you and it was going to be this whole thing but  
JADE: wow that was really insensitive of me kanaya im sorry

KANAYA: Jade Let Us Pretend I Understand What You Are Talking About  
KANAYA: Perhaps The Self Flaggelation Can Wait Though  
KANAYA: Until After You Come Back Here  
KANAYA: Now

The last bit is a bit forceful, very direct.

"Of course, we'll be right back. I'm sorry, again. We're heading back now." That's what she should say. That's honestly absolutely what she should say.

But she looks at Rose. Who abandoned her wife and friends and family and life on the chance of starting a new and more powerful life elsewhere. Rose, who just told Jade that she should have come to live with them. Just to be Kanaya's replacement wife.

Which says more about Rose's self esteem than it does about anything else.

Jade thinks about how this was supposed to be her thing. Her narrative. Jade Harley's Bullshit Yiff Party. Jade just wanted to grab her friend and go on a low-stakes space adventure. She wanted to be the silly useless kid's show villain and--

JADE: no

KANAYA: No

Rose looks over at Jade from the seat she's been sitting on, wondering what exactly is going on.

JADE: no! i…  
JADE: i am… wait no  
JADE: if you want her back youll have to come and get her!

ROSE: What!?

KANAYA: Excuse Me

JADE: you heard me!

Her demeanor is changing with each passing moment. Forcing herself to speak with more confidence, more bravado. Fuck it, she is doing this. She is making this happen.

JADE: if you want want her come get her!  
JADE: im jade harley pirate scourge of the cosmos!!

ROSE: What the fuck are you doing?

Jade's eyes snap toward Rose and she scowls, ears going flat.

KANAYA: Is This A Joke  
KANAYA: Put Rose On The Phone

Jade holds the phone toward Rose.

JADE: rose say hi

ROSE: Jade, what the fuck?

JADE: well kanaya she was on the phone so feel free to get a crew together and get a spaceship and come rescue your wife!

KANAYA: What

JADE: oh no we are entering a tunnel

She makes static noises.

KANAYA: A Tunnel  
KANAYA: In Space

JADE: yes a space tunnel bye kanaya see you soon

And she hangs up, then turns her ringer off.

ROSE: Jade???  
ROSE: Jade, what the hell was that?  
ROSE: Are you serious? Are you actually serious right now?

JADE: what is it rose?  
JADE: you want to go home? want to go back to earth??? do you miss your wife????????  
JADE: your father daughter interplanetary road trip got cancelled and now youre rethinking your choices?  
JADE: what were you hoping for rose to just go home to kanaya and get embraced and cried over and just act like you had no hand in it?

Jade goes back to the captain's seat and increases speed.

JADE: how long will you stay this time? are you going to live that domestic life while just waiting and seeing if dirk figures out some new shenanigans to get up to?  
JADE: sorry rose but no kanaya doesnt deserve that  
JADE: you dont get to pull this shit which you just got done saying you wish i was a part of  
JADE: which  
JADE: WHICH!  
JADE: is also you admitting that youd abandon me too  
JADE: and you just expect to slink back home consequence free?

Jade turns around and stares at a frankly stunned Rose.

JADE: fuck that

ROSE: Jade?

JADE: time to indulge in my bad habits for a bit  
JADE: lets continue my bullshit yiff party!  
JADE: let me live out my dumb childish anime pirate fantasy and as an added bonus!  
JADE: ive basically got yet another old crush of mine held hostage! going to have to work really hard to pretend like im oblivious to that fact though

Rose is at a loss. Her Seer abilities give no indication that she is in any danger, but this is still a scary situation. She hasn't seen Jade like this. This is on a level different than Grimbark.

JADE: rose im flattered you want me to move in with you really  
JADE: lets go find a suitable planet and set up home together  
JADE: have a family  
JADE: im still hung up on dave obviously so if we have a son i want to name him tony hawk  
JADE: i dont know about a daughter though  
JADE: yiffany i guess! why not? who cares!  
JADE: itll just be me and our kid anyway the second the fucking silver surfer shows up and asks you to be the next herald to galactus or whatever other cosmic bullshit you instantly latch onto  
JADE: leaving me all alone as is my fate as a space player! and i get to inflict that loneliness on my offspring too because this story loves repetition and patterns doesnt it

Holy shit what is this? What the fuck happened? Oh my god. Jade.

JADE: what! this is not a good time!

Yeah, pawbviously. Clearly. This is. This is yikes, Jade. Are you good?

JADE: i dont know!

Rose is even more worried since now Jade s33ms to be yelling at no one. That's very alarming. She wants to say something, but…

JADE: ugh! sorry rose give me a minute its davepeta

ROSE: Uh, okay. Hi, Davepeta.

Sup.

JADE: they say sup

ROSE: Okay. Great.

Some shit is going down on Earth C. Do you want to, I don't know, switch focus to there and you can, shit, I don't know, fly in a straight line for a while and try and calm down a little?

JADE: this was a mistake  
JADE: giving me the narrative  
JADE: acting like i could improve things for myself!  
JADE: i just wanted to do something fun! just wanted to have a fun time with a friend!!! but theres this

Yeah, hold on, I'm catching up on things.

JADE: sure im not in the middle of a breakdown or anything

Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm almost done. Okay, there we go. Yeah. Look, I think you should just maybe try and breathe. Talk things out with Rose a little. You're both saying some things that maybe you don't mean. Let's kick things over to me for a little and I'll check in later and pass things back over.

You're clearly going through a lot and the added stress of narration pawbably isn't helping any.

JADE: you know what? yeah fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, Davepeta fans!


	13. We Now Resume With Our Regularly Scheduled Program Already In Progress

JAKE: Hell's blazes, the door has a knob! Turn the *knob*! You people! My poor door! All im asking for is a modicum of respect for my home and my property! I grew up alone on a blasted *island* for the first chunk of my life and yet i have the wherewithal to properly use a DOOR!

Jake English kneels by the door, trying in futility to get a scuff out of the wood. He is feeling a bit frazzled, having to play host to not only a Dirk Strider committed to enacting whatever type of scheme he can get off the ground, but also Davepeta, who while being a totally fine guest, Jake just didn't have much in common with. It had only been a day and a half and Jake was already regretting picking now to give up drinking.

KANAYA: Your Ships  
KANAYA: Where Are They

JAKE: Oh yes im doing tiptop kanaya and you? It sure is a *delight* to see you! Im chuffed to bits over having YET another visitor.

Kanaya is on a mission, and as soon as she realizes his response isn't going to include the location of his hangar, she breezes further into his mansion.

KANAYA: If You Will Not Tell Me Then I Am Sure I And My Foot Can Find Them After Forcefully Interrogating Enough Doors

JAKE: Wait!

He scrabbles up to his feet and jogs after her. Kanaya approaches the door to the dining room and prepares to "This! Is! Sparta!" the poor portal and almost loses her balance when it swings open.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey whats up sure is noisy out here  
DAVEPETA: B33 < kanaya

KANAYA: Hello Davepeta Can You Direct Me To The Spaceships

Davepeta points down the hall.

DAVEPETA: B33 < down the hall and make a left and then its the third door on the right and maybe please stop kicking things before jake goes into cardiac purrest

Kanaya gives a curt nod and heads down the hall while Jake gently rests his forehead on the mantle.

JAKE: And you got rid of all my hooch? Not a snifter in the whole house?

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah dude pretty sure

JAKE: My secret stash in the--

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah yep

JAKE: --the skull shaped bottle I got from--

DAVEPETA: B33 < sorry man but yes

JAKE: --really? That was a birthday gift from… well someone very important. I dont remember exactly but definitely someone very important.

Just to verify with the narrative… there wasn't a drop of alcohol in the place save for the medical kind.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean its not gone gone its just not here

The kitchen door swings open and there's Dirk Strider, in a black tank top and a pair of James Cameron's Avatar pajama pants that definitely belong to Jake. He's got a wine glass full of fancy specialty supermarket store brand blood orange soda. If this was a sitcom, the fake studio audience would do a sound effect where they just go buckwild.

DIRK: Oh, shit. No one told me the party moved to the main room. For a dangerous anime criminal y'all're sure satisfied with just leaving me to my own devices in the next room.

DAVEPETA: B33 < its the kittenchen are you going to stage your narrative comeback in the katchen  
DAVEPETA: B33 < also do we like kittenchen or katchen better

Sip.

DIRK: Neither. And no, probably not. But there's at least thirty ways I can off myself in there. I think I counted fourteen decap methods alone.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and yet here you are which is definitely purrogress

Sip.

DIRK: I'm just saying. Jake's got the good knives. The late night infomercial ones that can slice a tomato so thin you can see through it.

Sitcom audience laughter.

DIRK: Anyway, I heard a door being kicked in. Is Jade back? Is Gcatavrosprite going to wheelbarrow an unconscious Aranea in here? What did I miss?

JAKE: No no nothing of the sort. It was kanaya. More space players looking to bum a ride to space. And frankly i refuse to play au pair to any more squared sprites or overly wordy villains. No offense meant. Im just a *little bit* over the edge.

DAVEPETA: B33 < none taken

DIRK: But you look so cute in the uniform. Besides, I thought you'd jump at the chance to have not only a blue alien lady but also a limited edition Blue Tavros come visit.

Sip. No, pause. Dirk looks around the room cautiously as if he's checking the mood, feeling things out.

DIRK: Hold up. Wait. Things are feeling… extremely plot relevant in here. The camera lens, as it were, is aimed right at us, huh?

DAVEPETA: B33 < uh

DIRK: No, no. I'm right. Which means, what? The Jade Harley Bullshit Yiff Party is over? What happened there? Was it in fact a bad idea to hand over the reins to the walking furry joke? Who amongst us could have possibly seen that coming.

Davepeta scowls.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dude shut up this is the natural purrgression its how shit was meant to go  
DAVEPETA: B33 < some space antics and then jumping back here to further the story and then cutting back to--

DIRK: Don't try that shit with me, Davepeta. I'm on another level. I've been living and breathing narrative like it's air for how long now? Amongst gods, I am--

Jake mumbles.

JAKE: Oh joy of joys here we fuckin go.

DIRK: Fine. Not the time for a gloating monologue. I respect that. Anyway, if this was a planned transfer there'd be a smoother transition, some cutesy little intro thing rather than the in media res thing we've got going on.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dude ive resd right into the media like multiple times now  
DAVEPETA: B33 < youre beyond reaching youre full on spread beans cat stretching right now

Dirk scoffs.

DIRK: No. You have historically set up that you're about to quantum leap into a new setting and then have to react to what is going on. This was just a total shift of focus, and it was too sudden. So, let me guess. Jade Harley couldn't handle a big important task, and you, who is partially a Dave Strider, swooced right in heroically and saved the doggy damsel in distress, right? Wow. Wow.

Davepeta sighs, looking for a convincing comeback and coming up with short. Is that what they did? Is that what happened?

Kanaya comes back.

KANAYA: So I Have An Important Update  
KANAYA: I Do Not Know How To Fly A Spaceship

DIRK: Hello, Kanaya.

KANAYA: Dirk

Something obvious and unspoken hangs in the air until Kanaya grows tired of the lack of response to it.

KANAYA: Someone Needs To Fly The Spaceship  
KANAYA: Anyone  
KANAYA: Everyone Come On We Will Figure It Out As We Briskly Jog

No one moves.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah uh kanaya i dont know like  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont know how to fly a ship plus im trying to stay uninvolved in this whole thing

Dirk lets out a single ha.

KANAYA: Oh Wow Sorry For Asking You To Get Involved In This Whole Thing  
KANAYA: The Thing Being Rescuing My Wife From Space  
KANAYA: How Absolutely Fucking Thoughtless Of Me

She turns to Dirk.

KANAYA: You  
KANAYA: Can You Fly

Dirk laughs a bit louder. Kanaya is not amused.

DIRK: Wow, yes, sorry. Look, I don't expect you to know why, but you asking me to go into space to get Rose is just incredibly funny. Don't worry about it, I am just really enjoying you not being mad at me right now.

KANAYA: Should I Be Mad At You

DIRK: Not in this timeline, no.

KANAYA: Great So Let Us Depart

Dirk gives a shrug.

DIRK: Sorry, Maryam, I'm on house arrest. I get two hours of time in the yard, but that's it. You can ask the warden.

He gives a nod toward Davepeta.

DIRK: But they seem pretty deadset on me staying here and serving my time.

Kanaya scowls, foot tapping in frustration.

KANAYA: J--

JAKE: No. Im sorry. No. I thought about spinning a yarn about not being able to fly but someone will point out that i helped make the ships and would obviously know how to fly. If someone didnt turn my house into a dry county I could have just been sloshed to the gills and gotten out of it that way. But ALAS!  
JAKE: So. Just no. I really am sorry. You would have thought i of all people wouldve wanted some adventure and to get the old crew together for one last score and all and a decade ago I would have jumped at the chance. But. Im just so bedraggled. But you can bet your bottom caegar that ill be here, HOPING for the best. And since HOPE is kind of my thing…  
JAKE: Look i know jade. I grew up with a version of her. She might go a bit off the high dive and into the deep end and yes she might have kidnapped rose for a space adventure but she is fiercely protective of her friends and nothing bad is going to happen to rose. You could probably just wait it out.

KANAYA: She Told Me To Come Get Her

Jake looks a bit taken aback.

JAKE: Well! Bully then! Go get her! Take dirk he can fly. Davepeta youre not getting involved. Youre just keeping dirk in check. And i dont have a solid grip on all this narrative dickery but ive picked up enough from these two yapping and yammering on about it endlessly and it would help the alleged story if someone with narrative ability goes right? I mean you can long distance it but someone needs to fly the ship too.  
JAKE: And dirk makes the whole malarkey into that puzzle with the boat and the chicken and fox and corn right? Cant leave dirk alone with the narrative or else he will go and slurp it right up. But cant leave the narrative with--okay well its not a perfect analogy. What is? Either way the three of you should definitely *absolutely* go. And ill hold down the proverbial and literal fort as it were.

DIRK: Wow.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dude if you want us to leave just say so

JAKE: I want you to leave. There i said it. Honestly its been very weird not only shacking up with dirk but also being his what? Host cum jailer?

DAVEPETA: B33 < cum jailer huh

Jake sighs.

JAKE: Anyhow. I think it isnt a secret that i have some unresolved feelings about him and uh lets just say his less than ideal treatment of me in the past period of time. add to that having to treat him like some fuckblasted CARTOON MEGALOMANIAC and it just isnt helping matters any.  
JAKE: And davepeta i have no qualms with you. Except you took my hooch and while i certainly you know--dont have a *problem* with the stuff you know. A man does enjoy to sit down at the end of the day and have himself a damned DRINK. And a man is *entitled* to do that especially in his own damned HOME.

He takes a breath.

JAKE: And im very tired of women kicking my very expensive doors in and taking my spaceships and not even saying *please or thank you!* Its just common courtesy kanaya! I recognize youre upset but really! Just… just… FUCKING REALLY kanaya! My *DOOR*!

Wow, shit. Oof. Damn. Davepeta feels pretty guilty, imposing on Jake like this and all. Kanaya looks like she wants to feel bad, but guilt is an obstacle to her determination in getting Rose back, and it's time to plow through every obstacle. But maybe she won't kick any more doors. Dirk. Who knows. He's unreadable. No idea what that guy is thinking.

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey sorry uh well get out of your fur then

KANAYA: But We Will Be Needing A Spaceship

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah we do n33d a ship though

KANAYA:  
KANAYA:  
KANAYA: Please  
KANAYA: And Thank You  
KANAYA: In Advance If You Say Yes  
KANAYA:  
KANAYA: Which I Hope You Will Please

Jake stares for a moment.

JAKE: Yes sure fuck it. Take a spaceship. The red one. Technically crockercorp has already paid for it but frankly? I dont give even a fraction of a pebble off a rock from *fuck mountain*. They can have it when you come back. Have a safe travel all. I hope you dont mind if i dont see you out.

With at least two thirds of the trio feeling pretty shitty about this whole encounter, they head for the ship hangar. There is a pretty small but very sharp looking Betty Crocker-red ship near the wall. Atop it, a silhouette. A glass bottle falls from the roof of the ship and shatters on the ground, and then the figure jumps down, landing near the shards.

TEREZI: OOPS >:\  
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, 1T'S 4BOUT T1M3 YOU 4LL SHOW3D UP  
TEREZI: 4LSO, NO ON3 T3LL J4K3, BUT 1 4T3 4 WHOL3 BOX OF R3D P3NC1LS 4ND H3 DO3SN'T S33M TO B3 1N 4 PL4C3 R1GHT NOW TO R3C13V3 TH4T N3WS


	14. Tsuioku no Serenāde [Serenade of Reminiscence]

DAVEPETA: B33 < wait so  
DAVEPETA: B33 < why is terezi here exactly

TEREZI: WHY 4R3 YOU H3R3? HOW 4BOUT TH4T?

DIRK: Boom, got 'em.

DAVEPETA: B33 < that wasnt worth a boom and i wasnt got at all i just dont s33 why--  
DAVEPETA: B33 < ah fuck

TEREZI: WH4T DON'T YOU SEE?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 YOU KNOW WH4T 1 DON'T S33?

DIRK: Everything.

TEREZI: D1NG D1NG W3 H4V3 4 W1NN3R!  
TEREZI: 4LSO D1RK GOT TH3 R1GHT 4NSW3R  
TEREZI:  
TEREZI: 1'M TH3 W1NNER

Kanaya breezes past this latest nonsense and looks up at the ship.

KANAYA: Okay Yes We Are All Aware Of Each Other Being Here So Can We Go Now

DAVEPETA: B33 < did you know she was in here

KANAYA: Who

DAVEPETA: B33 < terezi  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you know when you came in here the furst time

KANAYA: No I Did Not See Her

TEREZI: YOU JUST K33P S3TT1NG M3 UP FOR TH3S3

Dirk thankfully gets things rolling by opening the entry hatch to the ship. Terezi wastes no time boarding, somehow even beating Kanaya to the door. Davepeta just kind of sighs in defeat and walks in. Dirk slips in last and closes the hatch.

DIRK: I think it's time we blow this scene.

He slips into the captain's seat and frankly he looks ecstatic. As ecstatic as Dirk allows himself to look. He remains maybe 95% inscrutable.

Kanaya and Terezi take their seats and Davepeta follows suit.

DIRK: Get everybody and the stuff together.

Ignition is on and Jake can be spotted entering the hangar in a panic, rushing for a control panel and opening the hangar bay doors while the engine roars to life.

DIRK: Seatbelts, everyone.  
DIRK:  
DIRK: Okay. Three, two, one, let's jam.

The ship lifts off from the ground, heat and wind radiating from the thrusters and--oh god damn it.

DAVEPETA: B33 < was that cowboy bebop  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you doing a cowboy bebop

DIRK: I'm doing a Cowboy Bebop. Space adventure anime is back on the table. There's a bounty out on Jade Harley. I'm a lovably selfish rogue, you're the more serious one who's supposed to be in charge who does their best to keep me in line.

He nods over to Kanaya.

DIRK: Badass female character on a mission who will not hesitate to kick anyone's ass if needed.

Then to Terezi.

DIRK: And weird gremlin who joins the crew for reasons unknown.

DAVEPETA: B33 < seriously terezi how did you get here though

DIRK: Cowboy Bebop's 2001 run on Adult Swim helped introduce a whole new generation in the west to anime, thanks in part to what is one of the best English dubs in anime history, plus Yoko Kanno's superb musical composition and Shinichirō Watanabe's stellar directing. It's a classic. Yeah, my aesthetics tend to lean more toward late 2000s Gainax, early 2010s Studio Trigger.

TEREZI: D1RK

Dirk pauses, looking at her with an eyebrow raised.

TEREZI: SHUT TH3 FUCK UP

DAVEPETA: B33 < boom got em

KANAYA: At The Risk Of Sounding Like A Broken Record Can We Focus On The Task At Hand Rather Than Human Anime Cowboy Beepbop

DIRK: Kanaya we are literally in a spaceship and leaving the planet. There's literally nothing else about this task to focus on currently, unless you want to have a planning session for what we do when we catch up to the U.S.S. DeviantArt, but I just kind of figured the plan was catch up to Jade and tell her to give Rose over, right? No daring dogfights, no wordplay intended, or leaping from one ship to the next and breaking in through the cargo door.  
DIRK: Jade is pretty much the god of space, right? If she wanted an actual confrontation we'd be more fucked than a possum in a 20th century stereotypical Texan colloquialism. This is obviously just some roleplay chat server bullshit.  
DIRK: Maybe since I'm helping out of the goodness of my heart on this absolutely childish task, with nothing to gain personally, you can indulge me by just letting Professor Strider school you all on Intro to Anime 101, here.

Terezi reaches over and prods Davepeta in the side.

TEREZI: h3's up to som3th1ng, r1ght?

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh yeah no idea what yet but hes defurnately going to stab us in the back

TEREZI: ok4y. 1 f1gur3d 4s much >:| gl4d w3'r3 on th3 s4m3 p4g3…

So, Jade left about a day and a half ago. This ship is probably faster than the one she took. Jade is probably still in motion but, without cutting away to her, it's hard to know if they're lazily coasting or blasting through hyperspace in an emotional fury. So… they'll probably be playing catch-up for two days at least.

TEREZI: SH1T

DAVEPETA: B33 < huh

TEREZI: OH NOTH1NG

Dirk was still going.

DIRK: Has anyone even seen Cowboy Bebop. Davepeta, you have to have seen it, right? I refuse to believe the Dirk that raised you, despite his flaws, wasn't a man of culture.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i think i saw maybe the furst ten episodes or so  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dunno dude like we didnt really sit down and have anime nights or whatever  
DAVEPETA: B33 < he was purretty busy with his questionable pornography business and--  
DAVEPETA: B33 < id rather not get into it im not dave anyway and this whole thing is--  
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you just fine with me knocking you out and then essentially k33ping you prisoner like is that just water under the bridge

Dirk scoffs.

DIRK: It's whatever. It's unimportant. We clashed over differences in ideology, we fought, now we have an I guess mildly uneasy truce going to pursue a common goal. It doesn't matter who took the narrative from whom or who bludgeoned whom with a robot arm. What matters is we get to Rose and get everything back on track.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and by back on track you mean

DIRK: Not to run the point into the ground, but it's all incredibly fucking anime. Goku and Vegeta stopping Frieza. Naruto and Sasuke stopping Momoshiki. Ryūko and Satsuki stopping Ragyō.

TEREZI: 1T'S 4 PR3TTY COMMON TROP3 NOT 3XCLUS1V3 TO YOUR 34RTH 4N1M3, D1RK  
TEREZI: TH3 CONC3PT OF 4 T34M-UP 1SN'T 3X4CTLY GROUNDBR34K1NG.

KANAYA: Not That I Want To Further This Conversation But I Have Read Multiple Rainbowdrinker Novels Where This Has Happened As Well  
KANAYA: If We Are Going To Go Into Long Deep Discussions About Media That We Like I Would Eagerly Break Down The Symbolism Present In The Dark Hemo Series By Xelzen Tilias  
KANAYA: Oh No One Here Has Read It Oh That Is Fine I Will Just Talk About It At Length Regardless I Am Sure No One Would Object  
KANAYA: Snark Aside The Books Are Really Good And I Would Gladly Lend Out My Copies KANAYA: We Could Do A Book Club

Kanaya, thankfully, is chilling out. Maybe Dirk being insufferable is helping distract her from a problem she can only sit and wait for a resolution to.

Davepeta raises a hand to express interest in the book club idea.

KANAYA: Good

A quiet falls over the ship, the low thrum of the thrusters the only noise. It isn't an awkward silence or a foreboding pause, just a lull on a roadtrip.

Davepeta should check in on them, right? But, shit. This is the perfect set-up for everything being generally okay here and then cutting to Jade and it just being a clawsterfuck.

Terezi is staring at me--

Terezi is staring at Davepeta, brows furrowed. She pulls an orange colored pencil from her pocket and snaps into it like a Handi-Snacks breadstick, or a Spicy Nutrient Xtreme Grubsauce tuber stick. Take your pick.

What was her deal, exactly? There are the two main sets of timelines, obviously. And each one has their own versions of people. Like there's the Dirk here and the Dirk on the other side of the split who kills himself. There's the Rose Jade has right now who in the slightly less dubious canon becomes Rosebot, but there's the other Rose who never goes through that and stays with Kanaya, and they become rebels and raise Vriska.

Terezi coughs on some pencil splinters.

But is there just one Terezi who was out in space? Like outside canon? Is the Terezi who texted with alive divorce John the same Terezi who banged currently dead John in his dad's car.

Terezi sputters hard.

She can hear this, can't she. You can hear this.

Terezi nods, face flushed with teal. She's apparently smart enough to not just answer out loud to disembodied voices that only she can hear.

Right, right, you are tapped into the narrative. So, what, you heard what was going on and, I guess knowing how things are supposed to go and sensing something is off, you came over and decided to insert yourself into the story… for… no?

The way her face is screwed up in utter bafflement is definitely confirmation that Davepeta is way off. Terezi leans in closer.

TEREZI: 1 s4w 4 sp4c3sh1p t4k3 off 4nd c4me look1ng for 4noth3r so 1 could go look for vr1sk4 4g41n but w1th suppl13s 4nd 4 sh1p  
TEREZI: 4nd th3n 1 h34rd you 4ll b31ng loud 4s fuck 4nd d3c1d3d to s33 wh4t th4t w4s 4ll 4bout  
TEREZI: plus 1 n33d3d som3on3 to fly th3 sh1p 4nyw4y

DAVEPETA: B33 < so you can just say s33 and look all you want and if i comment on it im still the asshole right

TEREZI: y3s

So… Kanaya wanted to go on this trip to save Rose, Terezi came along to hopefully find Vriska somewhere, Dirk is here because--wait, what the fuck. Terezi.

She stares.

DAVEPETA: B33 < terezi

TEREZI: y3s?

DAVEPETA: B33 < vriska is fine but she is uh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < in the other timeline

TEREZI: WH4T!

Davepeta jolts from the sudden volume shift and everyone else on the ship looks back at them.

DAVEPETA: B33 < uh yeah she like came through the big fuckin ghost portal thing i guess or some portal

TEREZI: W41T 4ND ROS3 4ND K4N4Y4… R41S3 H3R? >:\

KANAYA: What Raise Who

TEREZI: VR1SK4???

KANAYA: Excuse Me

DAVEPETA: B33 < no no no the other kanaya and rose  
DAVEPETA: B33 < from the other timeline

KANAYA: The What

Dirk chuckles.

DAVEPETA: B33 < and im not talking about that vriska anyway  
DAVEPETA: B33 < they adopt a grub that is nearly genetically identical to her

TEREZI: TH4T'S FUCK3D UP

She turns to Kanaya.

TEREZI: D1DN'T YOU H4V3 4 CRUSH ON VR1SK4? WHY WOULD YOU 4DOPT A GRUB V3RS1ON OF YOUR CRUSH?

KANAYA: I Would Not  
KANAYA: I Did Not  
KANAYA: What

Dirk laughs louder, lifting his shades enough to wipe his eyes.

This is dumb as hell. Davepeta is going to have to do a whole exposition thing and get everyone caught up on the whole timelines thing and explain the Vriskas and…

Meanwhile, elsewhere in space!

ROSE: --why I do it. I don't, okay? I'm not unhappy. I love Kanaya, obviously. That's not even a question. And how dare you imply otherwise. Okay, sorry. That was uncalled for, it's not exactly a leap to reach that conclusion based on my actions…  
ROSE: Look. I just… okay, just give me a minute. I don't exactly come from a family that excels at being forthcoming with our feelings.

JADE: take your time

ROSE: I guess. Alright, so. I guess my need to reach the next level as it were. I guess it stems from feelings of inadequacy. You know my history with my mother, right? Things weren't great with her but I always interpreted her love and affection as insincere, or an act? Because I guess I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was just this weird shut-in kid who liked to write wizard stories, and I never accomplished anything. Which of course I didn't! I was a child. But my mother was just this super smart, super accomplished scientist and I was just me.  
ROSE: And she would just dote on me. She gave me a pony. An actual fucking pony. And that messed me up, I guess. I loved that pony but I didn't, I don't know. I didn't deserve a pony. And I guess the more I would shy away from that affection and praise, the more she thought I needed it, and it became this fucking feedback loop.

Jade nods. Oh. The narrative is back. Huh.

ROSE: So then Sburb starts and this is my chance to prove myself. I can learn how the game works, I can pull every bit of it apart and get us through it hard and fast. Write a guide for it, the best guide. With my name on it. My accomplishment. My worth.

She sighs, rubbing her eyes. She looks like she's struggling to not get overly emotional right now. Jade wonders why she has the narrative again, but works hard to focus on this conversation and not worry too much about it.

ROSE: Then, chances pop up to get even more powerful, to be even stronger, and more useful and relevant. John was basically the protagonist of it all, the first one into the game. I couldn't even help him properly at the start because of my connection problems. Dave wasted no time on his end in being Dave and doing Dave things and acting like it was no big deal.  
ROSE: Sorry, I'm getting off track. These opportunities pop up and then everyone messages me, so concerned. It's dangerous, don't do it. You don't need to go down this path, we're worried about you.  
ROSE: And what is my response? My stupid ass just thinks that first of all, I'm so useless that nobody thinks I can handle these situations. And second of all, I'm not worthy of their concern, I haven't earned it. And the only way to earn that concern and care is to do the incredibly risky thing anyway and become good enough to deserve that worry.  
ROSE:  
ROSE: Fuck.

She wipes her eyes on her sleeve.

JADE: so you get married and settle down and despite being an actual god and progenitor of a new world and just this really amazing person you just dont feel worthy of it??

ROSE: Basically. Especially since I keep fucking up and fucking off into the face of danger. I'm unreliable and not exactly stable, and Kanaya deserves better.

JADE: youre not good enough for kanaya because of your self destructive risk taking and so your solution is to take a big self destructive risk  
JADE: am i interpreting this right rose because thats--

ROSE: No! I don't know. I guess maybe it was a point of no return kind of thing. I allow myself to be put on this path. My physical form is falling apart with the Ultimate Self light energy building up in it and either I'm done with that body and put into a new body and I'm this new ascended not-exactly-Rose and Earth C is no longer my home. Or the plan derails and that doesn't happen and I just…  
ROSE: Go home. I would just accept that this is the Rose Lalonde that I am, and be happy with where I am and what I have.

JADE: just like that?  
JADE: oh im still just me! time to be completely okay with that  
JADE: thats how you see that going rose??

Rose goes wide eyed and quickly fixes her look to a glare.

ROSE: We agreed that we wouldn't cast judgment on each other while talking about these things.

JADE: i just dont get it though rose  
JADE: do you actually believe what youre saying? you just become satisfied and never do anything like this again  
JADE: and what? kanaya just never knows?? you just keep a huge secret from her for years and years!

ROSE: Yes? That sums it up, Jade. I keep a secret from my wife, because as we've already established, I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve her!

Jade slaps the ship console with an open palm.

JADE: THAT RIGHT THERE!!! THAT'S THE FEELING THAT KEEPS FEEDING INTO THIS BEHAVIOR!

ROSE: Yes, Jade, obviously!

JADE: NO!!! SHUT UP FOR A FUCKING SECOND!

Jade exhales.

JADE: you keep doing this stuff because you feel like trash but what youre talking about doing now is going to make you feel even worse rose  
JADE: i want you to think on this  
JADE: THINK  
JADE: do you really think you can magically force yourself to be okay with yourself and your life as you keep doing more things that make you less okay with yourself???

ROSE:  
ROSE: No, but…  
ROSE:  
ROSE: No. But there wouldn't be any sort of plot nonsense dangling in front of me to latch onto. A repeating pattern can't happen if there's nothing to--you know, to cause it to repeat.  
ROSE: What am I going to do, just abandon her? Start a secret life somewhere? Run off with someone and have an affair because they give my life some kind of meaning I don't get from Kanaya?

JADE: i have no idea rose but it just doesnt seem like youd stop causing problems for yourself just because you know youre causing problems

ROSE: Oh? Is this coming from experience?

JADE: you know it is rose… why are you attacking me when im just trying to help

ROSE: We aren't the same.

Jade bites the inside of her cheek to force back what she wants to say next and sits back down in the captain's seat.

JADE: yeah i know

Davepeta, come get the narrative. Please.

JADE: i cling to places and people where im not wanted except when my self awareness flares up enough to make me realize my staying there will only make things worse and then venture off but only long enough for my absence to maybe hopefully make the pump grow fonder  
JADE: which means i actually left behind a lot of situations where maybe i would have been happier so i could dig my claws harder into the familiar

Jade feels sick. She was content enough to let the narrative hang there while Rose put her emotions out there. But now it's Jade's turn and she just wants to get rid of the focus so badly. She wants it gone. She needs to get it off of


	15. Couldn't think of one for Beggin' Strips

KANAYA: --mzee Is Dead  
KANAYA: Really

DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean honestly who fucking knows  
DAVEPETA: B33 < theres at least one timeline where i stop anything between him and vriskers from happening

TEREZI: TH4NK FUCK

DAVEPETA: B33 < but i have no clue if thats the timeline that corresponds with this timeline or if it matches up with another offshoot or what but the uh the canon as it were involves him getting killed  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but also its fucking gamz33 so im not even willing to declawre him dead anyway wait fuck

The recap was finished and everyone was kind of in the process of processing the information when all of the sudden the weight of the narrative was forced right back into Davepeta's head.

And despite Dirk's usual Strider lack of visual emotional tells, he is absolutely delighted.

DIRK: So, what are they up to?  
DIRK: They're absolutely fuckin'.

DAVEPETA: B33 < theyre not fucking

Kanaya bristles, starting to glow lightly.

DIRK: I don't know, Davepeta. Show me a furry RP that doesn't turn rated E, and not the for Everyone kind.

DAVEPETA: B33 < what the hell dirk theyre not doing anything!

KANAYA: Then What Are They Doing

DAVEPETA: B33 < thats purrsonal Kanaya

Kanaya's glow intensifies and her expression hardens.

KANAYA: Davepeta  
KANAYA: I Would Really Like To Know What My Kidnapped Wife Is Up To  
KANAYA: You Apparently Have A Window To This Hostage Situation And I Would Like You To Tell Me What Is Going On

Davepeta sighs. She's right, obviously. And it isn't like they've avoided revealing important info to other people. Kanaya deserves some information.

DAVEPETA: B33 < theyre arguing

Kanaya opens her mouth for a follow-up question.

DAVEPETA: B33 < no im not telling you what theyre arguing about  
DAVEPETA: B33 < im not crossing that line shes fine shes safe theyre just arguing

DIRK: Because of Jade's emotional breakdown earlier?

The ship goes quiet.

DIRK: What? Am I the only one that pieced that together? Really? Well, I guess you two are new to the metanarrative. Jade took control for her nonsense and then suddenly it's back to us. Because there was a problem. Jade had a problem.  
DIRK: Then Davepeta gave it back while they got you two up to speed, and now here we are again. But Davepeta insists everyone is fine, so I'm guessing things got too heated and Jade bailed again.  
DIRK: Or, I suppose, Rose got too real and Jade was nice enough to avert the gaze, as it were. Though, well, I can't say I can see that being the case.

Davepeta frowns.

DIRK: Bingo, then.  
DIRK: So, great. They're not fucking.  
DIRK: But they're about to.

KANAYA: What

DAVEPETA: B33 < dirk shut the fuck up what the hell just stop

DIRK: Don't tell me to stop. Hop over there and stop the inevitable Milk-Bone.

DAVEPETA: B33 < dirk

DIRK: Getting that Snausage. Begging for the Pup-Peroni.

DAVEPETA: B33 < DIRK!

Dirk lets out a laugh, on a roll now. He laughs until coughing and finally wheezes out...

DIRK: Doggystyle…

TEREZI: D1RK, YOU'R3 UPS3TT1NG K4N4Y4.

DIRK: Look. Let me get real with you. Dog treat innuendo aside. They're balls-deep in emotional trauma, right? Frustrated and upset and probably screaming at each other? But at the same time making a real connection? An emotional bond? Trapped with each other in a confined space with an endless hopeless void outside? Can you honestly think of a situation where they'd be more likely to have sex? Really?  
DIRK: Don't all answer at once.

TEREZI: SH1T.

DIRK: Oh, wait, maybe if at least one of them was also on death's door. Right, Terezi?

TEREZI: 1 SW34R, D1RK…

DIRK: I'm just saying. I know several of my encounters with Jake happened after an emotional breakdown. His, of course, obviously.  
DIRK: Hey. She's not taking your calls, right, Kanaya? That's weird. Really unlike her, isn't it?

KANAYA: I Trust Rose  
KANAYA: And Yes Before You Say It I Also Trust Jade

Kanaya stares daggers at Dirk.

KANAYA: And If They Have  
KANAYA:  
KANAYA: If Such A Thing Happens  
KANAYA: I Will Burn That Bridge When I Get To It

DAVEPETA: B33 < hoping thats a malaphor

KANAYA: I Said What I Said

Terezi can't help but let out a cackle and gets up from her seat.

TEREZI: OH MY GOD, TH1S 1S SO STUP1D  
TEREZI: TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S JUST SO PO1NTL3SS  
TEREZI: W3'R3 DO1NG WH4T 4G41N? R3SCU1NG ROS3 FROM… 4 F33L1NGS J4M 1 GU3SS? 4 N3WLY BLOSSOM1NG QU4DR4NT? 4… WH4T DO YOU 4LL K33P S4Y1NG? WH4T K1ND OF P4RTY?

DIRK: Bullshit yiff party.

TEREZI: BULLSH1T Y1FF P4RTY. 1 C4M3 JUST TO M4YB3 F1ND VR1SK4 BUT SURPR1S3! SH3'S 1N 4NOTH3R T1M3L1N3! COOL! GR34T!  
TEREZI: SO 1'M STUCK H3R3 FOR NO R34SON WH1L3 K4N4Y4 ROP3S US 1NTO F1X1NG H3R PROBL3M4T1C 34RTH M4RR14G3, WH1L3 W41T1NG FOR TH3 P3RSON1F1C4T1ON OF TH3 CRUNCHYGRUB FORUMS TO 1N3V1T4BLY B3TR4Y US  
TEREZI: 1'M R34LLY LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO YOU EXPL41N1NG HOW CL3V3R YOU 4R3 4S YOU B4CKST4B US, BY TH3 W4Y  
TEREZI: 1 C4N'T W41T FOR YOUR B1G 'YOU N3V3R S4W 1T COM1NG B3C4US3 MY BR41N 1S SO HUG3' MONOLOGU3 3V3N THOUGH WE 4LL S33 1T  
TEREZI: 1 S33 1T 4ND 1'M BL1ND!

Well, Terezi is handling this well and not all doing a flying pirouette off the goddamn handle. Understandbly, given that she has no stakes at all in this whole ordeal. She shoots a look at Davepeta and then takes a breath.

TEREZI: K4N4Y4, 1 W4NT TO B3 S1NC3R3 H3R3 FOR 4 MOM3NT THOUGH  
TEREZI: 1S ROS3 4ND J4D3 HOOK1NG UP TH3 WORST TH1NG 1N TH3 WORLD? 1 M34N B3S1D3S TH3 F4CT TH4T J4D3 H4RL3Y 1S… JUST… 1NSUFF3R4BL3.

DIRK: True. Just to the insufferable part, I mean.

KANAYA: Jade Is Lovely  
KANAYA: I Have No Problem With Jade And I Know She Has Been Going Through A Lot  
KANAYA: I Guess My Issue Is Just I Wish Maybe I Would Have Gotten A Heads Up  
KANAYA: Just A Phone Call To Tell Me She Plans On Having Spaceship Sex With Jade  
KANAYA: Or Wants To  
KANAYA: Though I Suppose Jade Certainly Is Not Blameless Here  
KANAYA: Still Rose And I Have Discussed This Before And--  
KANAYA: Never Mind Dirk Do You Perhaps Have Something You Would Like To Say About The Cowbeep Anime

DIRK: Yes, actually. And only partially because I don't want to hear how you and my ectobiological daughter discussed inviting someone over for a 'boardgame night.'  
DIRK: Moving on from that though, I'll tell you about the influences Cowboy Bebop had not only on anime but also on Western media.

Dirk clears his throat and gets renough.

you lied to me.

or at the very least you let the situation get away from you.

this is not what i was promised, davepeta. you promised me an incapacitated and useless prince, and the opportunity for a new story in the hands of jade. and yet.

you have given the prince a spaceship and you are en route to the seer of light. you are even bringing the second seer. the story is being put back on track and i pin the full blame on your shoulders, davepeta.

i sat back and allowed you to perform this experiment, but i have no other option but to declare it a failure.

ARADIA: oh youre moving is something going on

SOLLUX: i bet i kn0w the answer. i bet the answer is 'n0thing that is 0f y0ur c0ncern' 0r some 0ther vague fuckery.

ARADIA: sollux shush

SOLLUX: n0. i have n0 idea why y0u are s0 0bsessed with her sp00ky bullshit aa.  
SOLLUX: 0h never mind i answered my 0wn questi0n.

ARADIA: youre welcome to leave

SOLLUX: what? come 0n.

CALLIOPE: i am leaving.

Aradia and Sollux stop their bickering and look at Calliope.

CALLIOPE: this universe is pointless and there is no reason for me to continue residing within it. we have drifted too far from canon, and yet not far enough to hold my curiosity.

ARADIA: where are you going though? should we come?

CALLIOPE: i am leaving. you are free to do whatever you wish. it is of no concern to me.

Okay, that's… that's enough of that. Some would consider it rude, and poor form, to just wrangle the narrative out of someone's paws just so one can make a flounce post. Like this is a goddamn Grubjournal community and you're upset about the new mod.

Shit, what do I even do here? How do I get this back on track? Just jump right back into Dirk talking about, hold on…

Dirk talking about how he personally prefers Samurai Champloo and wishes it got as much respect as Cowboy Bebop does.

Kanaya is rolling her eyes. Terezi is… you know what? Maybe things are better on the other ship.

ROSE: --u're going to lecture me about my choices, at least take off this stupid outfit! This is why nobody takes you seriously!

Rose practically lunges at Jade, strength apparently somewhat recovered, grabbing at her long pirate overcoat and yanking at it.

JADE: oh dont even go there!!! nobody took me seriously before i put on this outfit so get off my back! let go!

Jade practically snarls, trying to pull away from Rose, who is holding on to a sleeve with a death grip.

ROSE: It isn't the outfit in particular! It's the immaturity the outfit represents, Jade! You're a god! You're the co-creator of a universe! Why are you in a stupid costume??

She puts a hand on Jade's shoulder and pulls herself up enough to grab the bandanna and pull it off Jade's head.

JADE: HEY!!!!!!!! excuse me for dressing for what i thought was a fun time and not realizing it was going to be a fucking nightmare

She slid one arm from a sleeve, turning around and placing herself in front of Rose now, in a tug of war over a gaudy coat.

ROSE: If you recognize the outfit is inappropriate, then take it off! Why are you even fighting this, Jade?

JADE: let me take it off! let me make the decision myself!  
JADE: didnt we just go over how tired i am of feeling like im not in control of my own life and here you are  
JADE: trying to take my fucking coat??

Jade gives a firm tug to the garment, and it would have been over if Rose had let go. Instead, she gets yanked along with it, barreling into Jade and knocking her into the captain's seat. Jade lands with a thud, Rose falls on her, and the wind is briefly knocked out of them both.

Rose lets go of the sleeve, glaring at Jade.

ROSE: There.  
ROSE: Take it off.

Jade stares. She doesn't make a move.

JADE: no

Rose is speechless. She scoffs.

ROSE: What. What do you mean 'no,' Jade?

JADE: im not taking it off  
JADE: because this situation is ridiculous  
JADE: so ridiculous that maybe a ridiculous outfit is appropriate  
JADE: in fact it should be more ludicrous  
JADE: just a big fucking captains hat with a big bright green feather

Jade leans over the side of the chair, grabbing for her bandanna. Rose takes the opportunity to renew the battle for the coat.

ROSE: You are being so petulant right now.

Jade gives up on the bandanna, rejoining the fight.

JADE: big words from someone trying to pull my coat off and throwing a big stupid tantrum

ROSE: Tantrum?? You're throwing the tantrum, Jade. I'm trying to--

JADE: trying to what??  
JADE: rein me in  
JADE: get me under control?  
JADE: deal with me???

Jade gives another firm pull.

JADE: because im doing something i want  
JADE: something as insignificant as wearing a silly outfit  
JADE: and im a problem needing to be dealt with

ROSE: You kidnapped me, Jade. You kidnapped me and took me off the entire planet.

JADE: The planet you don't even want to be on!

Jade growls, ears flat on her head, and gives another harder pull. Rose tumbles forward again, accidentally headbutting Jade in the face.

JADE: fuck!

ROSE: Ow!

They both wince, Rose practically laying on Jade, both breathing hard. They're both being so incredibly stupid. So dumb. This is asinine. They just keep saying the same shit, making the same points, the same retorts, they're not getting anywhere with this.

Rose pushes up from Jade, brow furrowed. This is the kind of collision that really knocks some sense into someone.

ROSE: Take. Off. The. Coat.

Jade glares. The coat isn't the problem here, but maybe just taking it off would at least get them back on a path of reconciling this whole situation.

JADE: make me

Rose sputters, utters out a confused half of a 'what,' and then yells, grabbing Jade by the shoulders, only one of which is covered by the coat, and just kind of… scuffles with her.

Jade returns the gesture, trying to push Rose away, until her hand tangles in Rose's hair. A growl rises in her throat.

And then they collide together again hard, mouth to mouth, an audible click of teeth hitting teeth. Jade's fingers get a firmer hold on Rose's hair, and Rose's hand leaves the coat shoulder, moving to Jade's cheek instead. Her other hand grips her other shoulder tightly, fingernails digging slightly into bare skin.

Oh shit. We can't do this here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, readers, just curious, are there any characters you want to check back in on?
> 
> Also, there is an M rated Chapter 15.5 available. It's not exactly plot heavy. Think of it as a Bonus Chapter without the Patreon level.


	16. Puellus Magi Dirk Magica III: Rebellion

DIRK: --thy during the duel between Akio and Utena. Moeka in Steins;Gate. Itachi, obviously. You know, from Naruto? God, none of you have any idea what I'm talking about. I have an external drive, I could hook it up to the ship. It isn't like we're using the monitors in here. Wait. Hold on. And we're back. Got an update for us, Davepeta?

Davepeta frowns while Dirk pulls out a small black external hard drive with a Kyubey sticker on it and a USB cord.

DAVEPETA: B33 < why are you asking me  
DAVEPETA: B33 < im not just cr33pily watching the narrative every time it switches  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like some gross voyeur

Dirk opens up a control panel, reaching his hand into a cluster of wires, fishing around for the proper one.

DIRK: That's some interesting word choice there.  
DIRK: I wouldn't want to accuse you of being a liar just because you're being defensive, the nonbinary cat troll bird Strider sprite doth protest too much and all that, but the manner in which you're being defensive sure does imply that what you weren't watching calls for saying things like 'creepily' and 'voyeur.' It's not just me, right? Y'all hear this?

DAVEPETA: B33 < what are you getting out of this dirk like what is the benefit of making everyone meowserable

DIRK: A-ha. There you are, you piece of shit.

He pulls a cord out from the panel, disconnecting one end and plugging in his drive instead. Well, trying. He does it the wrong way, then flips the connector, still can't get it, tries the first way again, squints at the cord and port, adjusts their positions, and finally gets it.

TEREZI: MOT1V3 4S1D3, 1T SOUNDS 1NCR3D1BLY SUSP1C1OUS  
TEREZI: 1 M34N 1 P3RSON4LLY COULD NOT G1V3 L3SS OF 4 FUCK, BUT

KANAYA: Davepeta I Really Do Hate To Ask  
KANAYA: Maybe It Does Not Even Matter  
KANAYA: And I Am Aware That Dirk Is Getting Some Weird Satisfaction Out Of This For Some Reason  
KANAYA: But What Is My Wife Up To

DAVEPETA: B33 < i uh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dunno

KANAYA: Davepeta

DIRK: I guess we're doing dubs. Right? I mean there's no Alternian subs on these, obviously. And it's going to be hard to read regardless with Terezi slurping the display to read them. I'm assuming. Shit, I guess we'll start with Naruto. I just have to look up a watching order guide that cuts out the filler. Shit, I kind of just want to skip right to the chunin exams but you really need a proper introduction to the series, you know?

DAVEPETA: B33 < i really dont know kananya

They sigh, suddenly avoiding eye contact.

DAVEPETA: B33 < when i shifted the narrative back over the glimpse i got was uh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < they were still arguing but it was  
DAVEPETA: B33 < it was an interesting vibe

KANAYA: Is Rose Okay

The concern in her voice is obvious. Dirk lets out a single loud ha.

DIRK: God, they are definitely fucking.

DAVEPETA: B33 < theyre not--  
DAVEPETA: B33 < okay i dont know really they might be i got the hell out of there

KANAYA: You What  
KANAYA: You Are The Only One Who Can See What Is Going On There

DIRK: Well, unless someone would just let me back into the narrative. I certainly wouldn't mind keeping tabs on things.

DAVEPETA: B33 < that is not happening  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but yes sorry kananya i just uh have some weird f33lings about s33ing rose in uh

KANAYA: Ah Yes The Human Hang Up About Incest Strikes Again  
KANAYA: Inconveniencing Me In My Time Of Need

DIRK: Have a heart, Davepeta.

DAVEPETA: B33 < im not apawlogizing for not wanting to s33 rose make out with someone  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i thought the big concern was rose being okay and you would sort out your f33lings about pawsible cheating when the actual rescue is complete

KANAYA: Yes That Is Indeed The Plan And Yet

The lights go out on the ship. There is a loud hum, a hiss of air, and then red emergency lighting comes on.

TEREZI: OH. TH4T 1S D3L1GHTFUL. 1T 1S D3L1C1OUS 1N H3R3.

Dirk types at a keyboard and groans.

DIRK: Ah, shit.

He unplugs the drive and digs through the mess of wires again.

DIRK: Has anyone seen any manuals around for this ship? Shit, what systems are even down? How do I run diagnostics? Who designed this operating system?

DAVEPETA: B33 < kanaya i really am sorry  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i wish i could be more help but im just not comfortable  
DAVEPETA: B33 < shit is wack right now like just incredibly wack  
DAVEPETA: B33 < so

KANAYA: Shit Is Indeed Wack  
KANAYA: I Know I Should Just Stop Worrying  
KANAYA: Rose Would Not Intentionally Do Something To Hurt Me  
KANAYA: Worst Case Scenario We Have A Long Talk About Where We Are Relationship Wise

TEREZI: WORST C4S3 SC3N4R1O, YOU H4V3 4 H4LF HUM4N B4RKB34ST B4BY TO T4K3 C4R3 OF.

KANAYA: Three Quarters Human  
KANAYA: But The Math Is Not Important And Possibly Incorrect  
KANAYA: And Also Not The Worst Thing Hypothetically  
KANAYA: Assuming They Want A Child  
KANAYA: I Am Certainly Not Opposed

DIRK: I hate this entire conversation. Davepeta, I'm heading to the guts of the ship to try and figure out what's going on with it. I assume you plan on chaperoning me to make sure I don't get too fresh with it and have it home by curfew, so make yourself useful while you're at it.

Dirk gets up and heads for the door, eyes scanning for a maintenance hatch. Davepeta gets up and follows.

DIRK: Terezi, hold down the fort. Try not to lick anything. Or do lick things. It might help. I don't actually know.

TEREZI: WH1CH WOULD YOU P3RSON4LLY PR3F3R?

DIRK: So that you can do the opposite?

TEREZI: SO TH4T 1 C4N DO TH3 OPPOS1T3

Dirk opens the door to the hall of the ship, Davepeta following. The door closes behind them. Dirk runs his hands along a seam in the wall, muttering to himself.

DIRK: So, apparently the way the world works is you can just breathe in space here. Terezi is proof of that. But what if the oxygen runs out in here? Can we breathe then? Okay, and since space is breathable, can we just crack open a window? Is there still a pressure differential, if so? This is some fascinating shit, scientifically speaking. But at the same time I don't want to be the one to find out. So, control panel.

DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah dude i dont know where it is pawbviously  
DAVEPETA: B33 < plus im basically on guard duty and not really in the mood to help you do basically anything

DIRK: Yeah? And if we do run out of oxygen and that is a problem? You're good with everyone suffocating?

DAVEPETA: B33 < does this ship not have a transportalizer

DIRK: I mean, yeah. Probably. But maybe it's currently non-functional. And if the systems are fucked, we might end up--at best--Jeff Goldbluming ourselves into a The Fly situation.  
DIRK: Real talk, though. Do you have an issue with me? Did I do something to you? If anything, I should be pissed at you, what with you bashing my head in with a robot arm.

DAVEPETA: B33 < are you kitten me  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you maybe didnt do anything to me in purrticular but your whole plan is rancid  
DAVEPETA: B33 < what you do to rose is unforgivable  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you are rude as hell to everyone  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and im pretty convinced you are mostly responsible for johns death or at the very least caused the series of events  
DAVEPETA: B33 < plus its so obvious youre going to screw us all over oh my god dirk you were literally talking about your purrsonal list of top ten anime betrayals earlier

Dirk claps once and points at the ship wall, heading over and opening a panel, exposing a bunch of wires, ports, a small LCD display, and a miniature keyboard.

DIRK: Bingo. Alright so, yeah this shit is fucked. My professional prognosis here. The master port for the vital systems is fried. The navcomp is all… Okay, actually come here, look. Look here, it's easier to just show you.

Davepeta rolls their eyes and heads over to the control panel while Dirk types frantically into the little keyboard. He looks at the inside of the open door and gasps, grabbing a small booklet from a sleeve attached to the door. He pages through it quickly.

DIRK: Change of plans. Grab that keyboard and I'm going to dictate what to type in. Rather than making me juggle both.

DAVEPETA: B33 < why dont you type it in and ill read it

DIRK: Because I know what it is that needs to be read. Plus you'll probably say a cat pun or read a double-e as 33 and get us all killed.

Davepeta picks up the keyboard while Dirk flips through the pages, finding what he's looking for.

DIRK: Alright, everything here is lowercase. You're gonna want to type start, then hit enter. Sys dot reset. Admin override, all one word. Enter again. What's it doing?

DAVEPETA: B33 < theres a prompt asking for an access code

DIRK: Yeah good. Access dot main sys. Three seven five nine c s nine zero--

DAVEPETA: B33 < c s wait hold on

DIRK: --eleven three x eight f two five oh hey a thirty-three--

DAVEPETA: B33 < shit was that 8 f 2 5 or 8 2 f 5 hold on go back to the c s part and well pick up from there

DIRK: You're killing me here, Davepeta. By the way, did you ever see any Madoka? Probably not, that was from 2011, I think. Definitely the early 2010s. It's a shame, because you don't even know who Kyubey is. Cute little cat thing. Tries to get some girls to sign contracts and become magical girls.

DAVEPETA: B33 < uh huh the code

DIRK: You got the eight f two five?

DAVEPETA: B33 < no!

DIRK: Four seven x g and then, okay, do you know how to do the curly braces? Not the square brackets. Anyway, Kyubey was this creature who helped make magical girls, but it was all for an ulterior motive. Alright this is spoiler territory so, stop me if you plan on watching it. Anyway, long story short, Kyubey is manipulating girls into becoming magical girls, because Kyubey convert emotion into energy to stave off the eventual death of the universe. Kyubey is the antagonist of the story, one of them anyway, but it's hard to call him the villain. What he's doing is cruel, there is no denying that. But it's for a reason. An important purpose. It's to save the universe. If a girl has to die here and there for everyone to live, that's worth it, right?

DAVEPETA: B33 < so youre kyubey

DIRK: I'm basically Kyubey.

DAVEPETA: B33 < but also youre cowboy bebop

DIRK: What? No. Cowboy Bebop was the name of the show. I'm Spike.

DAVEPETA: B33 < this is why nobody likes you dude like this is why nobody respects you  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you are so blatantly bad like not even morally grey like youre just such a piece of shit  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like you used to be cool dirk like yeah you always had this whole superiority thing because you were worried that if you werent the best and brightest boy then maybe your friends didnt need you but now youre this and it is sad but so shitty  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and then here you are making your big sp33ch about how youre doing a bad thing but its for a good purpose which i mean its good according to you but maybe nobody else gives a fuck about canon relevance maybe they just want to live their lives  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but you cant even do your big villain monologue about your plan that we all saw coming without stopping to say youre also an anime catboy

DIRK: Kyubey isn't a catboy. He's just a cat-like alien. It's a whole species. I'm not saying that I am Kyubey either. I'm just comparing my situation to Kyubey, so that it makes a little more sense.

DAVEPETA: B33 < compurring it to an anime ive never seen

DIRK: You've seen all of My Little Pony somehow. I took a shot in the dark. But, you know what? You're right. I don't have respect. I don't have people that like me. That's fine. My plan is far removed from all those people anyway. I don't need to have people like me. I don't need to have their respect. I don't need it. But, you know what I do have?

A jolt of pain hits Davepeta in the lower back. They saw stars, gripping the keyboard tightly before letting go of it, hands shaking. They turn their head to look back toward Dirk.

DIRK: A knife.

Particularly, one of those super sharp knives from Jake's kitchen that Dirk tried to talk about before they left. Oh, yes. I have missed this.

DIRK: I don't know what your whole organ situation is but my guess is you'll live through this. Unless I decide to change that. I told you what these things can do to a tomato, Davepeta. One false move and I'll slice you thin enough to see through. Your only option is to teleport somewhere else and get healed up. Lick your wounds and then come at me again. You hurt me, and then nobody can fix this ship or fly it. You try anything else, I get rid of everyone not relevant to my plan. You want a shitty anime villain, Davepeta, you found one. Here I am. Get the fuck out of here, let me go procure Rose and get everything back on track, and I'll be on my way. Everyone else gets to ride Jade's ship back home.

It's a good deal and Davepeta should take it. They gasp for air, which is a tally on the breathing is necessary side of the board.

DAVEPETA: B33 < stop…

DIRK: Stop what? My guess is narrating. And if so, fuck no.

I just got back in the driver's seat, I don't plan on giving it up again. Go back to Earth C and help Jake kick booze or teach Jane some lessons on diversity or give Karkat and Dave some couple's counseling. I don't care.

DIRK: Just get out.

Davepeta's mouth opens and closes, searching for words. They glare at Dirk, flip him off, and then they're gone, leaving only a puddle of green and orange blood and a couple stray feathers.

Dirk grabs the keyboard and types a few simple commands, the system booting back up swiftly. He drops down and wipes the blood up with the manual before stashing it back behind the panel door. The knife vanishes. Nothing looks out of place. Dirk walks back close enough for the automatic door to open.

DIRK: Hey, you two. Come this way for a minute. Kanaya, Davepeta needs to talk to you about something.

The three of them walk down the hallway and Dirk jerks a thumb at a large door before opening it. Kanaya walks through and Dirk closes it.

KANAYA: Davepeta  
KANAYA: Dirk They Are Not In Here

Dirk opens a small glass panel over a big red button.

DIRK: Terezi, confirm something for me or else I'm gonna feel like a real piece of shit. DIRK: The space out there is breathable, right? You spent a lot of time out there?

TEREZI: Y34H, WHY?

Dirk smacks the button and an alarm blares. A robotic voice chimes in alerting everyone that the airlock is opening.

Kanaya does not take the news well, wasting no time to brandish a chainsaw, sparks flying from the metal door as she cuts a deep gouge into it.

KANAYA: Dirk Strider I Will End Your--

And then she's gone. But hey, she'll be fine. Terezi, wordlessly, walks back to the bridge area. Good that she's not making a big deal out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are any characters you are interested in checking in on, let me know in the comments.


	17. my city now

Kanaya is screaming into the void. I jot down her location on the map and note her general trajectory. Space is definitely breathable and she's some kind of vampire, so, someone will pick her up no problem. Hopefully she has some troll blood Capri-Suns or whatever the hell on her to tide her over.

I almost feel bad. Almost. No offense, but, it's Kanaya. What do you want from me? Not to be callous, but she is at best a boring version of Rose's boring alien wife. At worst, she's abandoned or cheated on and that's about it. You could be generous and say me pushing her out into the vastness of space is the most interesting thing that could happen to her. You would be right. So, you know, you're welcome.

You won't thank me, though. I've seen the comments. I'm not going to pretend, not going to uphold the already flimsy fourth wall. We know where we are, right? You don't actually care that I'm talking at you. If you don't want to see how the sausage is made, then, I don't know, become a vegetarian.

I'm a little distracted. I hear Terezi behind a wall, probably in the fucking vents like a damned possum. Probably tearing up the wiring and insulation, making a damn nest. You know what? While I deal with this, you can see what Kanaya is up to.

Kanaya watches as the ship she was just on becomes a speck in the distance, soon to be indistinguishable from the stars once she blinks and loses track of it. She sighs.

They're not coming back. Obviously, Davepeta is gone, and Terezi doesn't seem the type to make Dirk turn the ship around. So, she has to depend on… something happening with the whole Jade situation turning out in such a way that maybe she picks her up.

Jade, who Rose most likely just cheated on her with. Rose, who… well, Davepeta danced around the topic but, she was planning on abandoning her, right? Leaving her. Possibly under Dirk's influence, but maybe not fully. Kanaya is aware of the type of person Rose is. Kanaya knows to give her space and not hold on too tightly, lest she feel trapped. Rose Lalonde hates to be constrained, restrained, or bound. Well, no. That's a lie. She, on some level, craves it. But only because it challenges her, forces her to break out, break free, escape.

Which means calm and complacency is just as much a cage for Rose.

Kanaya is going to die out here. Alone. Slowly withering, wasting, kept alive by her rainbowdrinker biology, a troll skeleton with the faintest light left in her, fully succumbed to the madness of space and isolation.

Kanaya remembers she has a cell phone.

KANAYA: Fuck

Kanaya remembers she left her phone on the ship, dropping it in frustration after she spoke with Jade.

Kanaya remembers she has another phone on her! It's her previous phone. When she upgraded, she was absolutely terrified of losing four years worth of progress on a delightful garden-themed match-three mobile game. Her new phone uses a different operating system apparently, and the iguana at the phone kiosk was unfamiliar with that particular game, and there are multiple reviews on the app store lamenting losing progress. Maybe it would work out fine, maybe there is save data on the cloud? But frankly, Kanaya isn't sure what the cloud is and also isn't sure she trusts it, and also she spent real actual money on diamonds in game and losing them would be an actual waste.

So, she carries her old phone with her. She pulls it out and luckily it has a decent charge. Of course, the phone can't be used as a phone. It can be used for emergency services but… Kanaya doubts whatever department she reaches would be able to help out in this particular situation.

Oh! But she can place a call through one of her chat programs. That works. She just really hopes she picks up.

Jade sighs.

JADE: i wouldnt classify us?? why do we need a label? we arent anything were friends having a disagreement and also fooling around  
JADE: and if teen me acknowledged that i might like girls then i would have had red feelings for you then but uh  
JADE: not currently  
JADE: i dont know maybe pale but with a little caliginous in there? maybe????

Rose coughs a little, then clears her throat.

ROSE: And hypothetically, would you be interested in that becoming--

Jade's phone rings.

They both freeze. Jade looks at the phone with sudden horror.

JADE: oh fuck oh fuck!!!  
JADE: its kanaya shes calling again oh my god rose what do i do??  
JADE: do i ignore it? do i hang up

Rose's mouth opens and closes like a fish trying to breathe on land. Should Jade hang up? Should she answer? They need to confront this but she didn't expect it to be now. Maybe Jade should hang up, and they can call Kanaya back once they get this all sorted out? Just tell her Jade was in the bathroom. What's one more little lie in the grand scheme of things? Yeah. Yes. Okay. That's what--

Jade answers the phone.

JADE: kanaya oh my god im so sorry! we just we just werent thinking and i know thats no excuse we are so stupid im so stupid im bad im so awful kanaya look it just it didnt we didnt do

She sobs hard. Rose hears a sudden loud outburst from the phone and flinches.

JADE: wait what?

She sniffles, choking back another sob and wiping her eyes on her arm.

JADE: where is--  
JADE: okay okay hold on

Jade pulls the phone away from her ear and presses a button.

TEREZI: H3LLO? 4M 1 ON SP34K3R?

JADE: yes

TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4  
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

Jade: are you done?

TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: H33H33H33H33H33H33H33  
TEREZI: OK4Y NOW 1'M DON3, W41T HOLD ON  
TEREZI: H33H33 H4H4H4 OKAY 1'M GOOD NOW  
TEREZI: HOW'S 1T GO1NG, 1D1OTS? YOU R34LLY SCR3W3D TH3 B4RKB34ST, HUH?  
TEREZI: W41T, 1S ROS3 TH3R3? ROS3?

ROSE: Yes, Terezi. Why are you on my wife's phone?

TEREZI: *YOU* R34LLY SCR3W3D TH3 B4RKB34ST! H4H4H4H4!  
TEREZI: OH MY GOD, YOU'R3 SO STUP1D! BOTH OF YOU  
TEREZI: J4D3, YOU K1DN4PP3D ROS3, 4ND TH3 ON3 TH1NG  
TEREZI: TH3 ON3 TH1NG YOU BOTH H4D TO DO  
TEREZI: W4S NOT BON3  
TEREZI: 4ND Y3T!

JADE: im sorry!!! i mean we didnt but we did some things but we did not go--

ROSE: Oh my god, Jade. Stop talking.

Rose gets up and hurries over, grabbing the phone.

ROSE: Terezi. It is wonderful to hear from you, and I'm so glad that you are so amused by our momentary lapse in judgment, but where is my wife and why do you have her phone?

TEREZI: D1RK 3J3CT3D H3R FROM TH3 41RLOCK, SO SH3'S 1N SP4C3 CURR3NTLY

JADE: WHAT!  
ROSE: WHAT!

TEREZI: OH, SO NOW YOU'R3 CONC3RN3D ABOUT H3R  
TEREZI: DON'T WORRY, SP4C3 1S SURPR1S1NGLY BR34TH4BL3  
TEREZI: SO SH3'LL JUST B3 FLO4T1NG 4ROUND FOR 4 WH1L3 1 GU3SS? >:\

ROSE: Oh my god.

She starts pacing the ship.

TEREZI: 4S TO WHY 1 H4V3 H3R PHON3, SH3 K1ND OF THR3W 1T DOWN 4FT3R YOU 1GNOR3D H3R C4LLS 4ND J4D3 D1D WH4T3V3R DUMB TH1NG SH3 D1D WH3N K4N4Y4 T4LK3D TO H3R  
TEREZI: SO, 1 SW1P3D 1T SO 1 COULD G1V3 YOU 4 H34DS UP ON TH3 S1TU4T1ON

Jade scrambles for the ship controls, doing a U-turn.

JADE: nobody stopped him??

TEREZI: W3LL, 1 C3RT41NLY W4SN'T GO1NG TO G3T K1LL3D TRY1NG? 1'M NOT 1MMORT4L  
TEREZI: TH4T JUST L34V3S D4V3P3T4, WHO 1 H4V3 NOT H34RD 1N 4 L1TTL3 B1T, BUT  
TEREZI: …

JADE: did something happen to davepeta?

TEREZI: 1 C4N'T S4Y FOR C3RT41N BUT TH3R3 W3R3 SOM3 TR4C3 OR4NG3 L1M3 FR4GR4NC3S ON TH3 FLOOR  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T'S D1RK, SO, TH3 CH4NC3S FOR B3TR4Y4L 4R3 H1GH

JADE: oh my god oh my god oh my god this is all my fault

TEREZI: Y34H, B4S1C4LLY

ROSE: Terezi!

TEREZI: OK4Y, TH4T W4S UNF41R >:\  
TEREZI: ROS3, YOU 4R3 4LSO TO BL4M3 >:D

JADE: terezi!

TEREZI: Y3S, TH4T'S MY N4M3  
TEREZI: OBV1OUSLY D1RK 1S 4LSO R3SPONS1BL3 H3R3, BUT 4R3 YOU HON3STLY GO1NG TO T3LL ME TH4T J4D3 T4K1NG YOU 1NTO SP4C3, R1GHT WH3R3 H3 W4NT3D YOU, 1SN'T H3R F4ULT?  
TEREZI: OR TH4T BOTH OF YOU HOT D1PSH1TS B31NG UN4BL3 TO K33P YOUR HORNY H4NDS TO YOURS3LV3S 1S NOT 4 PROBL3M? YOU TWO 4R3 BL4M3L3SS FOR TH4T?

Jade and Rose have no response, the guilt settling down on top of them quicker than before.

TEREZI: H3LLO?

ROSE: W--

TEREZI: 1 D1DN'T M34N TH4T 1 F1ND 31TH3R OF YOU HOT, BY TH3 W4Y  
TEREZI: JUST TH4T YOU BOTH, YOU KNOW  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 HOT FOR 34CH OTH3R, B3C4US3 1 S3R1OUSLY H4T3 BOTH OF YOU  
TEREZI: …  
TEREZI: BUT NOT L1K3--  
TEREZI: H3LLO?

ROSE: Uh, yes. We are still here, Terezi.

TEREZI: OK4Y W3LL 1'M GO1NG TO GO  
TEREZI: 1 S41D WH4T 1 N33D3D TO S4Y  
TEREZI: 1'LL C4LL 4G41N 1F 4NYTH1NG CH--

Rose's phone rings.

ROSE: It's Kanaya…? Terezi are you accidentally calling us via voice chat on whatever app this is?

TEREZI: NO? 1 DON'T TH1NK SO, HOLD ON

There is a loud, breathy, wet noise as, if one were to make a guess, Terezi licked the screen.

TEREZI: NO, TH4T'S--

ROSE: Okay, then I have to go, sorry, Terezi. Thanks for the update.

Rose answers her ph--

Suddenly, at the old church where several disastrous funerals have been held, Sollux and Aradia sit on a stone wall. Calliope is not present, surprisingly?

SOLLUX: --can d0 what y0u want, but uh…  
SOLLUX: fuck, this is really hard.  
SOLLUX: i kind 0f just want t0 chill for a while?  
SOLLUX: n0 watching a black h0le dev0ur everything, n0 lengthy discussi0ns 0n the nature 0f death, n0 f0ll0wing pretenti0us skelet0ns ar0und like a weird ent0urage.  
SOLLUX: i just kind 0f want to hang 0ut with any friends i have here that are still alive? maybe play s0me vide0 games. i hear there are a t0n 0f flav0rs 0f sliced tuber crisps 0ut there. n0t just spicy grubsauce or s0ur cream and bulb vegetable. i want t0 get s0me tuber crisps.

ARADIA: haha wow are you breaking up with me because of snacks? you could have got snacks sollux

SOLLUX: c0uld i? because alt c w0uld always c0mplain ab0ut the bag crinkling and tell me t0 g0 t0 the 0pp0site c0rner.  
SOLLUX: and y0u w0uld never c0me with me, by the way.

ARADIA: you could have just poured what you want into your hands

SOLLUX: that's like, six crisps 0n average, aa.  
SOLLUX: i want m0re than six crisps.  
SOLLUX: and it's n0t even ab0ut the crisps.  
SOLLUX: we've just drifted apart. like, are we even a c0uple?  
SOLLUX: i d0n't know. when y0u came back t0 life y0u were really excited ab0ut that, but it's all been death lately. i'm tired of death.

Sollux sighs, looking skyward in general exasperation. Aradia stares also skyward at the direction Calliope had left in, then realizes where she's looking and frowns. She looks downward.

More at the ground level.

ARADIA: i am sorry  
ARADIA: we should have a talk and see where we are  
ARADIA: i have been… very wrapped up with whats been going on with calliope and part of me still wants to be included in what is going on with her  
ARADIA: and its unfair to make you come with me on a journey you dont care about  
ARADIA: and until we figure out what were doing i can try and at least think a little more about life rather than death hey is that blood?

SOLLUX: what?

ARADIA: yikes that is a lot of blood  
ARADIA: stay there

SOLLUX: aa, are y0u f0r real right n0w?

Aradia flies over to where she  
sees a growing puddle of gr33n and orange spreading from around a corner  
where my bleeding body  
but im still alive though

ARADIA: its davepeta

DAVEPETA: B33 < hey uh sup

Davepeta winces and coughs and fuck it hurts

SOLLUX: what? 0h shit h0ld 0n. i'm c0ming.

sollux hops down from the wall he's sitting on and jogs over pulling out his phone.

SOLLUX: sh0uld i call s0me0ne? i'm g0nna call s0me0ne.

ARADIA: call jade

SOLLUX: i d0n't have her--

ARADIA: call dave and get her number and if you dont have his then call karkat  
ARADIA: and if i cant get this bleeding to stop then find a way to get a hold of jane crocker

SOLLUX: shit.

he scrambles to call Karkat, hands shaking while the phone rings. He has seen enough where he thinks that he shouldnt act this way in a crisis but its still really weird and bad seeing someone he knows bl33ding on the pavement  
And also his talk with aradia earlier isnt helping his nerves either.

aradia takes off her hoodie trying to put pressure on the wound

KARKAT: SOLLUX? SHIT, IS THIS ABOUT ANOTHER CORPSE PARTY? PLEASE TELL ME NO. PLEASE.

SOLLUX: hey, kk, shut up please. i need jh's number.

KARKAT: WOW, RUDE. ALSO, HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE HER--

SOLLUX: kk! dp sprite is fucking bleeding 0ut 0ver here, s0 time is 0f the essence here.

KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT? WHAT'S DAVEPETA DOING THERE? I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE THE WEDD--

SOLLUX: they're fucking dying because y0u w0n't give me the ph0ne number!

KARKAT: SHIT. I'LL TEXT IT TO YOU.

The call ends and  
seconds later a notification comes through. Sollux taps it 

and his phone starts a call with Jade.

no answer

He calls again. it drops on the second ring.

He texts

SOLLUX: jh pick up it's an emergency. dp sprite.

He calls again. Jade  
picks up.

JADE: davepetas there? an emergency?? are they okay?

SOLLUX: putting y0u 0n speaker, h0ld 0n.

JADE: where are you? shit  
JADE: rose i have to go can you film the rest of the game? tell yiffy im sorry but its an emergency somethings wrong with davepeta

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh my god

They laugh and immewdiately groan in pain. but wow yiffy though that actually happened huh

JADE: was that them?? davepeta?!

ARADIA: hey jade! yeah davepeta is here and has been stabbed  
ARADIA: theres a lot of blood and i know youre good at stitching people up

JADE: get some clean water and some soap and some bandages or even just a clean towel  
JADE: rinse the wound and then clean it and then put something on it to try and stop the bleeding and apply pressure  
JADE: ill be there as soon as i can!  
JADE: davepeta are you cold?

DAVEPETA: B33 < uh temperature is less of a thing for me i think… purrsonally DAVEPETA: B33 < but i am f33lin sl33py

ARADIA: theyre sort of dim and their color strobing is a little slower than usual if that matters

jade mutters something and then a loud bang sounds from over the phone  
as if jade took off from the ground with such speed and force as to make a sonic boom.  
because thats what happened

JADE: im airborne hang up and send me your coordinates ill be there asap

its around thistime that davepeta loses consciousn


End file.
